I see a number of women for the first time after their partners have initiated a separation because of their lack of desire. Women tell me how devastated they are, and how they never thought it would come to this. For example, Sheila (fictional composite of several clients) says that she heard his complaints about her low libido and lack of sex life, but that she didn’t know what else to do to make it change. She tells me that she asked her doctor for information and referrals to therapists, and even went to therapy – but it didn’t help.
This may be because she saw a therapist that was great with anxiety and depression, or blended families, but not comfortable or skilled in helping resolve a sexual problem. It may seem odd in this day and age, but there are therapists who are embarrassed to talk about sexual issues. Believe me, there are. If this is so, the therapist may want to focus your session on other issues. Then you won’t get anywhere.
Sheila also says that she felt very ashamed to have this problem. She says she felt “defective” as a woman and a “failure as a partner”. It was embarrassing to make the first call, much less actually walk into my office and tell her story to a complete stranger. Of course, when she left, she felt understood, relieved, and hopeful that she would be able to conquer this problem.
People have problems in many different areas of life: handling money, managing their careers, facing conflict with a friend, parenting effectively, finding a suitable mate, controlling impulses; the list goes on and on. Yet I find that people expect themselves not to have sexual problems. Why? Its just one more part of life that can be hard for people. With the other problems I listed above, it seems to be less shameful to take action to solve the problem – by taking a class, or reading a self-help book, or seeing a therapist.
So the fact that the solution to a low libido seems even more vulnerable than the problem becomes one more reason to put off getting help. Time goes by, and eventually a partner gets more angry and convinced that their sex life will never get better. Consider Tim (another fictional, composite client) who left his partner after their sex life remained at a 5-6 time a year frequency for 6 years. At first, he says, “I felt rejected, so I stopped trying to initiate to avoid that awful feeling”. When that didn’t help, I tried bringing it up all the time, thinking one of these times it will work – we’ll have great sex and it will turn around. Finally, I just got angrier and angrier, until I almost felt nothing for the woman I have loved for all these years. I thought the only option left was to split up.” This is a very sad, and very preventable end to a relationship.
Since you are reading this blog, you KNOW where to get the specialized help you need to restore your desire. I know how hard it is to get the courage to face this issue – and I will provide plenty of emotional support to get you through it. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone – many women struggle with this! If you get stuck in avoiding the issue, or in thinking he should accept this as in – For Better, For Worse – think again. The avoidance and fear about tackling the issue is so much worse than actually tackling it! Start today. I’m betting you’ll be glad you did.
You could have my eBook in your hands within ten minutes, if you are serious about getting started now.
No Room For Sex: How To Boost Your Low Libido is full of information and exercises to get you moving towards a
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