No matter how many partners you have (or have not) had, you still need to go through a learning phase with your partner. A learning phase is when you give yourselves permission NOT to know everything there is to know about sex or your partner. You let go of trying to act like you know the best sexual techniques and focus on finding what works best for you and your partner. You get busy actually talking and exploring with your partner. You give yourselves room to move about the cabin, so to speak by spending time trying out different forms of touch and paying attention to how you and your partner receive them. Include caresses you see as part of foreplay, oral, manual and toys if you use them. You tell your partner what you like, and even show them sometimes. Be playful, have fun. This helps you to really get to know each other sexually, rather than doing things that may not do it for your partner.
Use positive language like:
That feels good
I like it when you
I think I might like it if you would
I’d like to try_________. Is that something you’d be open to talking about?
A little more pressure there
Go in circles
Touch me there (moving partner’s hand)
A little softer
And NEVER say things like this:
“My previous partner didn’t have any problem with _______”
“You should like _______”
“There must be something wrong with you”
It takes time to fully get to know each other. Give yourselves the gift of that time. It will be worth it.
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