Boost Your Low Libido

ORGASMS A MYSTERY TO YOU?

Why not consider this class to help you learn all about  the female orgasm? I will cover anatomy,  arousal, as well as the many factors that can get in your way of reaching a climax.   This will be a small class, limited to eight women.  It will be held in the privacy of my office.  I will do some lecture, and invite discussion.  For the very shy, it will be possible to ask questions in written form.  I will have you do some writing exercises to start you on the road to a thoroughly fulfilling sex life.

If you aren’t having orgasms, you are missing out on one of life’s pleasures – and one that greatly bonds a couple in their intimacy.  If you aren’t sure you are having orgasms, information will be covered to help you clarify this  as well.   

You may think you could never dare set foot in my door for this class.  You are not alone – and I think it will be very affirming for you to see that other women also need specific information to help them in this area.  Truly, no one ever gets sexuality education – at most we get reproductive education.  They are definitely NOT the same thing.  So take a deep breath, and email me to register for this class.  I’ll make it safe and comfortable for you, and have you all laughing before you know it. 

ORGASM 101:  Tuesday, November 3rd 6:15 – 7:30 pm.  Feel free to call me with your questions at 214-692-6100.

WHEN THERE’S NO SEX IN YOUR CITY:  A Workshop for Women about Sex, Intimacy & Desire has been rescheduled for SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24th from 9 am – 12 pm.

If you struggle with low desire, difficulty with getting aroused or reaching orgasm, or painful intercourse or vaginismus, consider joining us on the 24th for a unique learning opportunity.  I will do some teaching, show some film clips, have you do some writing exercises, and invite you to talk with the other women there.  There will be an opportunity to ask questions anonymously – so ask away!  Most women tell me that the workshop was valuable to their growth in becoming more aware of and accepting of their own sexual selves.  And we actually laugh and have fun too. 

Let me know if you have questions, or just email me to sign up at lauren@BoostYourLowLibido.com.

If you’re like many women I talk to, the thought of taking part in a Women’s Group about Sexuality makes you want to run screaming from the room.  Not that bad?  Ok, well most women seem to be at least a bit apprehensive about being in a group.  I’m sure some of that is due to a fear of the unknown.  However, the women who have been in my groups have said that it was a powerful experience that made a huge difference in their progressing through their low libido, painful intercourse, or problems reaching orgasm. 

Why be in a group?  Here are some of the reasons that some brave women choose to push through their discomfort with being in a group:

BENEFITS OF GROUP

***Your sense of being alone with your sexual problems goes away.

***You get to practice talking about sex.

***You get more comfortable with talking about sex.

***You learn from others’ struggles, as well as their solutions.

***You connect to others in a different way – not only social, but as team members who listen, empathize and are there to cheer you on with your successes.

***You feel part of a community of women – what most of us lacked as young women coming of age, and my belief is that if we’d had this then, I’d be out of a job.

***It can be fun – and usually includes laughter.

***It decreases your embarrassment and shame about sex in general, and also about having a sexual problem in particular.

***You have a chance to ask questions you never would have dared to ask anyone before.

***You learn a lot about sex that you didn’t know before.

***You learn how to accept and even  embrace your sexuality .

Fall groups are starting now – I’d love to have you take part.  Call me at 214-692-6100 to talk about your options.

I was taken aback by the site name when they approached me, and asked to interview me about my work as a Dallas Sex Therapist.  But after checking their site, I found that www.ChristianNymphos.org is a wonderful site – full of information that encourages Christian women to revel in their sexuality within their marriages. 

Part I of my interview was up Monday, September 7th, and the second part will be up for viewing next Monday, September 14th.  I hope you will check it out – and spend some time there – it is truly a wealth of sex-positive information.  Let me know what you think.

I am excited about the fall Women’s Workshop on Saturday, September 19th!  I have revised and revamped some of the content, exercises and film clips, so with that, I have changed the name to:

WHEN THERE’S NO SEX IN YOUR CITY:  

A Workshop for Women about Sex, Intimacy & Desire.

I like it, don’t you?  The name could be describing your currently sexless relationship, or alluding to your lack of interest or satisfaction in sex.  It has a little humor in it, which can always be helpful when you are talking about sex.  I’ve kept the best from Discovering Your Sexual Self, and added some information and exercises that I believe you will find interesting, funny and empowering. 

I hope you’ll join us!

Today I read an article about the growing demand by women for cosmetic genital surgery – the most popular is called “Labiaplasty”.  This is a procedure that will reshape a woman’s inner vaginal lips (labia).

Why would any woman WANT to have her genitals cut on and surgically altered?

Here’s why:

1. Our society teaches  women (directly & indirectly) to fear and hate their genitals.

We are taught that they are dirty, nasty, smelly, & need special cleansing such as douches.  We are taught not to touch them. We think that our labia are too long or uneven, or somehow misshapen and just not the way they should be – when there is a huge range of normal labia. So we don’t learn about our own bodies and sexual response.  We become disconnected from our sexual selves.

2. When girls are growing up, they don’t often have the chance to see other girls’ genitals, so they don’t know what is normal.  When women do see other women’s genitals, they are often via porn images, which are airbrushed, and/or chosen to meet a particular fantasy-type  body.

I can’t tell you how many women have told me that they think their genitals are ugly and disgusting.  If you feel this way, you may likely develop a low libido, as it will be difficult for you to truly enjoy your genitals.  One way this plays out is that a woman won’t want to receive oral sex from her partner, which can be the surest way for a woman to have an orgasm.  If you don’t enjoy sex much, your libido goes downhill.

I will not say that no woman should ever consider having a labiaplasty, but I think there are far less drastic measures a woman can take to begin to make peace with her genitals.  This is one thing that I work with women on in my women’s groups, and individual sessions.  We talk about how they feel about their genitals, so they can move towards appreciating their beauty and the incredibly wonderful sensations they offer.   Yes, this can be done, but I think it requires a “COMMUNITY OF WOMEN” – a safe place to discuss fears and dislikes about our bodies, a place where encouragement and acceptance and gentle guidance is offered.  I believe if we’d had this growing up, I wouldn’t be writing this blog today.  If our mothers had received this, they would have been able to give it to us, but how can they give what they haven’t experienced, or don’t know?  A Community of Women is what I offer in my groups, workshops, and sometimes just one to one with a woman in an individual session.   Its a very healing, very powerful thing.

For more information on this subject, try reading my eBook:  No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.

Why am I concerned about this growing trend for women to have surgeries such as labiaplasty?  First, because there have got to be risks if you are cutting into a body part that is full of nerve endings – you may lose sensation in the quest for the perfect vagina.  How does that possibly make sense?  Because these surgeries are new, there is not a lot documented about the risks, and the article noted how those that haven’t been pleased with their surgeries aren’t quoted when doctors are advertising how much prettier you will feel.  There have been reports of side effects such as  painful intercourse, hypersensitivity, numbness, infections, adhesions and scarring, says Dr. Robert Roh, a New York gynecologist.  Then there are those who just didn’t get the cosmetic results that they wanted – as can happen with any plastic surgery.  And I don’t think women are being fully informed of the risks when they decide to have such surgeries, and this is not right.

For all of you super-busy women out there I have a new schedule for Fall Women’s Groups.

Discovering Your Sexual Self  Women’s Group

If there’s No Sex in Your City, consider attending this group for women who are dealing with low libido or lack of enjoyment in their sex lives. 

This group will meet the following Wednesday evenings from 6-7:15 pm:

September 23, October 7 & 21, November 4, and December 2.  We will pack a lot of information, exercises and discussion into these 5 meetings.  If you don’t have a lot of time, but want to make headway on this issue, this is the ideal plan for you.

If you are under 30, consider the Young Women’s Sexuality Group, which will be similar to the description above, just with a younger group of women.  Evidently, the blog I wrong called “I’m Too Young to Have a Sexual Problem” has been getting the most hits on my website.  This tells me that there are a lot of young women who feel terrible embarrassment about having any sexual difficulty.  The good news is that, with some focus and work on these problems, you can overcome them. 

This group will meet on the following Thursday evenings from 6-7:15 pm:

September 24, October 8 & 22, November 12, and December 10.

Don’t forget the free teleconference today, Friday, August 7th from 12-12:30 pm to

Meet the Sex Therapist.  Just call in at 712-941-0216, then put in this pin # when prompted:  337428, and you’ll be connected.  Ask me anything – I won’t be embarrassed even if you are, and you’ll be in the privacy of your own home or office.

If you have a libido, but don’t feel at all inclined to have sex with your spouse, you may feel in a terrible bind.  You probably feel guilty, and confused about why this is so.  You may avoid talking about the problem with your spouse, because you don’t want to hurt his (for this article, I’ll use male pronoun for the spouse) feelings.  It may be that you have even started doubting that you were ever attracted to him – or even if you chose the wrong person to marry. 

While these last two statements could be at the root of your low desire for him, there are other possibilities.  If you’ve been scouting this site, you have already gotten the idea that MANY factors can influence a person’s desire, such as:  stress, fatigue, buried resentments, lack of trust in the partner, past sexual or other trauma, sexual shame and inhibition, being too settled into your relationship, and general intimacy issues. 

And yes, sometimes these factors that have been there for years, don’t impact your desire for your spouse until much later in an established relationship.  True intimacy within a long-term committed relationship can be scary for many people.  Most of us have had our hearts broken before, and as Psaris & Lyons say:  “Most of us have defended and protected ourselves for so many years, we have lost direct access to our hearts.” 

It can feel like MORE of a risk emotionally to be super close to your partner as you become more important to each other, have more invested in your relationship – such as building a home and family together, and sharing a long history together.  I know, it doesn’t seem like it should be this way, but believe me, it is. 

So before you jump the gun and decide that your lack of libido for HIM means you married the wrong guy, do some thinking about other possibilities.  If your low libido is due to other reasons, it can be improved upon, and the factors can be worked out in most cases.  Don’t be so afraid that you know why you don’t want him that you don’t get the help you need to begin to want him again.   If your problem is about general intimacy, you will likely need some therapy – but that’s a whole lot easier  and generally better than trying to start over with someone else – whom you may feel the initial infatuation and falling in love high with, which will then fade after a couple of years anyway. 

A good place to start with determining what other factors could be at play is by reading my eBook – No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.  Or you could sign up for my Women’s Workshop, which will be Saturday, September 19th from 9 am – 12pm.

You probably think of sexual trauma, such as rape or incest when I mention the word trauma in relation to low libido.  Certainly having experienced incest or rape can be a major event to work through if you want to enjoy your sex life.  However, there are a number of types of traumas that can affect a woman’s libido, arousal and orgasmic ability, and may even be affecting yours, that you might never have considered.

INVASIVE MEDICAL PROCEDURES

If you had a lot of bladder problems as a child, such as chronic urinary tract infections, you may have had a number of exams and procedures that would have been intrusive to your child’s body, as well as your innocent mind.   Keep in mind that everyone is different, so while one woman may have experienced this and felt very traumatized by it, another may have had no lingering difficulties with it.  But if you had a number of medical experiences that were frightening, and even involved vaginal penetration, it could be a factor in not being fully able to enjoy or desire sex when you are an adult.  Its as if the body remembers, even if you don’t make the connection.

COERCIVE FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCES

I am amazed at how many women tell me that their loss of virginity came under tremendous verbal pressure by the boyfriends they loved.  They tell me they heard things like:  “If you truly loved me, you would have sex with me”  or “If you won’t give it to me, I’ll get it somewhere else.”  For a teenage girl madly in love with her boyfriend, this kind of emotional blackmail  is hard to stand up to – especially when its done repeatedly over time.

NEGATIVE PREGNANCY OUTCOMES

If the pregnancy was a long yearned for experience, and it ended in miscarriage, a woman  (or man) may be traumatized by this – especially if they see a lot of blood, or the actual fetus or baby.    An unplanned pregnancy, with the decision to have an abortion can also be very difficult for a woman to handle emotionally.   And sometimes, the decision to have an abortion is also coerced by a girl’s parents, or her boyfriend.  There can be lingering loss, unresolved grief, feelings of failure, fears of another unwanted pregnancy, fear of never being able to carry a child to term, guilt, shame and anger that can arise even years later during a healthy relationship or marriage, and interfere with sexual functioning.

Recognizing what factors are involved in your low libido is crucial to fixing the problem.  If there is trauma, it must be faced and reconciled, so you can truly put it behind you and live a full life now.

“It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing.  It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving.” Mother Teresa

I was struck by these words I stumbled upon – and began to think about how often couples tell me that they have been “going through the motions” in bed, and in their life together overall.  Too often being settled in as a couple means taking things for granted, and then, drifting apart.

I think of couples I have seen who are stuck in a control battle that goes like this:  He says he will give her more affection after she gives him more sex.  She says she will give him more sex after he gives her more affection.  Usually, he is more comfortable with sex, and she is more comfortable with affection, but they can stay in this tug of war forever.

I tell couples they need to make efforts to give  what the other needs  without conditions, because it is the loving thing to do.  Giving with the expectation of an immediate “return on your investment” can feel to your partner like pressure.  Love and desire does not grow under pressure or coercion.  Each partner must push him/herself to get better and more comfortable with sex or affection, which will make each of you better individuals as well as partners.   If you both come from a place of trying to put love into your touches, or your lovemaking, your partner will feel that.  And this will likely create the kind of give and take that you both want.

For more information about increasing your libido, look over my Self-Help Guide:

No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.  It is full of ideas, exercises and suggestions that you can start using today to increase your desire.