Boost Your Low Libido

Archive for the ‘LOW LIBIDO’ Category

Have you ever wondered if your partner’s sexual desire bordered on addiction?

Do you think you feel a healthy level of desire, but not if you compare it to your partner’s libido?

While I am not a fan of the term “sex addiction,”  I do believe that people can develop sexually compulsive

behaviors that can cause big problems in their relationships, and in their lives overall. 

How do you tell if your partner might have some sexually compulsive behaviors?

Here are some signs that your partner may have a problem:

1. Spending a lot of time looking at porn – to the extent that it interferes with getting enough sleep, or functioning at work.

2. Putting more time and energy into porn, or other sexually oriented websites, etc. than you do with your relationship.

3.  Having affairs over and over again.

4.  Hiding your sexual behaviors because you are ashamed of them.

5.  Telling yourself repeatedly that you will stop the behavior, and then doing it again.

6.  Participating in risky types of sexual behavior – as in picking up strangers, or doing things that are illegal.

7.  Needing more and more explicit or “kinky” porn or sex to feel satisfied.

8.  Coercing your partner into doing sexual things they aren’t comfortable with – like going to swingers’ clubs, strip clubs, watching porn, or acting out fantasies.

9.  Spending a lot of money on your sexual behaviors.

10.  Your partner complains about your sexual behavior – saying it has put a barrier between you.

If you aren’t sure whether you or your partner may have a problem, call my office for a consultation.  At times, a “low libido” not be the problem that needs addressing.

WHEN THERE’S NO SEX IN YOUR CITY:  A Workshop for Women about Sex, Intimacy & Desire was held last Saturday.  I want to thank all the women who attended and who made such positive comments on their evaluations about their experience at the workshop.  One attendee said “Realizing that I am truly not alone felt like getting a big group hug without being touched”. 

The film clips from movies such as The Notebook sparked some lively and interesting discussion.   “The Secret” exercise was noted as very powerful for all of the women in their reviews of the morning.  Most women said they would like to sign up for a Part II, or a couples workshop on intimacy – so I’m busy at work developing these future programs. 

Again, many, many thanks to all of you who participated.

Due to the excellent response to my Two-For-One offer for attending

WHEN THERE’S NO SEX IN YOUR CITY:  A WORKSHOP FOR WOMEN ON SEX, INTIMACY & DESIRE

I am extending the offer through this Thursday, 2/18.  The workshop will take place this Saturday, February 20th from 9 am – noon.

I know everyone is looking for value now, and I think you’ll find that you get a lot of bang for your buck in attending this workshop – especially dividing your fee in HALF.    You get 3 hours chock full of info about how to pump up your desire, increase your sexual fulfillment, and remove the barriers to a great love life!    Hurry – I must receive your registration by Thursday 2/18 at 5 pm!

Look forward to seeing you there!

If you’d like to read comments from women who’ve attended, go to Testimonials.  The workshop was formerly called Discovering Your Sexual Self.

Register Here!

Think sex always has to be out of this world?  Every encounter chock full of toe-curling orgasms?  Then you are not alone – as this is one of the many burdensome expectations that our culture teaches us about sex.  I mean, really!  The pressure!  As if couples today aren’t dealing with enough pressures in their life – we have to live up to this unrealistic idea too?

Barry McCarthy, a sex therapist in Washington, DC, has written about the concept of “Good Enough Sex” – which means, just that.  If you take all the shoulds away, and just focus on giving and receiving pleasure for the wonderful closeness it can bring, it opens up many sexual windows.  Even having an orgasm does not have to be the be-all and end-all of every sexual activity.  A couple can have a good time in bed even if neither of them has an orgasm – if they have the right attitude about it.  Think pleasure, not achievement.

For example, if a lower-desire partner is approached for sex by her spouse, the good enough sex plan might mean that she says “honey, I’m so tired, but I’d like to feel close to you.  Could we  cuddle for awhile til I feel a bit more rested, then just have oral sex tonight”?  She would feel the option to pursue less than the ideal of sex – foreplay, oral sex, intercourse, afterplay – was a perfectly good option.  Perhaps it would be less than in terms of time, or less than in terms of energy, but if a couple understands that good enough sex is still great for their relationship, and can be quite satisfying as well, the possibilities multiply.

WHEN THERE’S NO SEX IN YOUR CITY:  A Workshop for Women on Sex, Intimacy & Desire has been moved from January 24th to Saturday, February 20th from 9 am- 12 noon.

When I ask women how they learned about sex, most will say that they got “the talk” from Mom, or “the movie” at school.  They then recall how uncomfortable these events were for both themselves, or the adults educating them.  If they were lucky enough to get “the talk” – that may have been the only time they discussed sex with Mom.   Sadly, many will say that Mom never talked with them about sex.    This is true even for my youngest clients, who are in their early twenties, so the generations haven’t changed much.

Whether you had  total silence about sex and sexuality, or a few choice words, most women I see for low libido say there was silence in their families about sex.  When you think about the range of topics that healthy families discuss, you realize that the parental reticence to talk about sex and sexuality is a deafening silence.  Think about it, families talk about grooming, hygiene, body odor, germs, dirt, manners, urination, defecation, passing gas, chores, school, religion, politics, values, work, play, illness, money, expectations, feelings, morals.  Silence about sex communicates volumes – namely that sex is embarrassing, nasty, and shameful.  Many women don’t realize that they carry this sense of shame about being a sexual person into adulthood until it wreaks havoc on their desire level.  How can you want something that you really believe is nasty?

I would argue that the education they did get was mostly about reproduction, not sex.  Sex and sexuality are very complex things, and in our society we do not offer much, if any, guidance about what being a sexual person is all about.  Because women get so many of the “be a good girl” messages, they may turn off any sexual feelings, and find that they can’t turn them back on when they are married and thus, supposed to be sexual.

The shame of silence is also what makes it an act of courage to address your low libido by taking a workshop, reading about it, coming in for sex therapy, or joining a women’s group.  But breaking the silence is the key to overcoming sexual shame – so give yourself credit for even being on this site.

Could it be that your low libido is at least partially caused by your husband’s rapid ejaculation when you DO have sex? 

I have found that some women with a very low libido  realize that their difficulty started, or was exacerbated by their frustration with how long intercourse lasts.  The average length of time that a man “lasts” during intercourse is 5-8 minutes, so if your husband ejaculates  much sooner than that, this may be causing, or contributing to your lack of interest in sex.  This can be especially true if you get more satisfaction, orgasms or not, from intercourse than other sexual activities, such as oral or manual sex. 

Many people are surprised to learn that most men last only 5-8 minutes.  Our society definitely inundates men with messages about being manly, virile, and a “stud” – and this can put a lot of pressure on men to “perform” sexually.  Anxiety is not helpful to men or women in the bedroom – it can decrease your ability to be present in the moment, to fully feel the sensations, or it can make a man ejaculate too early.  Porn can definitely give people  unrealistic ideas about the length of intercourse – as well as the length of a man’s penis.  What people don’t know is that porn can be airbrushed, edited, and camera-angled to make the average man feel inadequate in comparison. 

If you think rapid ejaculation is influencing your libido ina negative way, make sure to do more of the outercourse before intercourse – let him fully please you with oral & manual sex before moving on to intercourse.  Talk gently to him about wishing that that wonderful part of your lovemaking would last longer.  Let him know that it works against your libido, and suggest that you both go to sex therapy together.  I see many couples where his problem aisaffected by her problem, and vice versa. 

Consider it “our” problem, don’t get into blaming, and be proactive about getting the guidance you need to turn things around.

Fibanserin is the first non-hormonal drug to be tested to improve libido in women.  It was originally tested as an anti-depressant, but wasn’t found to be effective.  Then they found that it seemed to increase desire in women.  It works on serotonin and dopamine in the brain, and is said to decrease inhibition.  Sound great?

It could be, if it really works, and if its safe.  I fear that the millions of dollars the drug manufacturer is spending now – before the drug has even started FDA approval process, could overshadow realistic concern & dialog about how the drug works, the subjectivity of the criteria used to determine if it works, side effects, long-term safety, and other risks from taking a drug daily.

One article I read said that researchers don’t know why women lose desire.  Well, sex therapists do!  We also know that sexuality is a very complex phenomenon-that involves relational, psychological, physical, cultural, religious, and other individual factors.  For most of my clients with low desire, they have 3-5 separate causes.  It is hard for me to believe that any pill is strong enough to drown out all of this to make a woman want sex.  If it can, could it also cause women to  lose inhibitions in other areas of their lives?  That is a scary thought.  This is one of the  effects of working on dopamine – some Parkinson’s disease patients experienced hypersexuality and loss of inhibition to an extreme.  These are some of the questions that ob/gyn physicians and sex therapists are asking.

We do know that side effects noted so far are fatigue, nausea, sleepiness, & insomnia. It takes 3-6 weeks to work.  If it turns out to be the miracle pill they hope for, some women will feel it is well worth that.  I just hope we can get the full picture, rather than a paid-for advertisement.    I’ll write more on this topic soon.  In the meantime, don’t just take my word for it – seek information, ask questions – even the hard ones.

While you might think that having intercourse for a long time would not be a problem, since it allows more time for the woman to climax, this is actually an issue that can cause (or worsen) a woman’s low libido.  Delayed ejaculation is when a man either takes too long to ejaculate, or doesn’t at all.  Most men ejaculate within 5-8 minutes of intercourse, while those with this problem can take 30-75 minutes.  I’m not talking about time spent on foreplay, this is only intercourse.

Women whose partners go this long complain of soreness in their vaginas, of feeling they must be  a “bad lover”, and often say they feel frustrated and a sense of failure after sex.  They say it is awkward because sex doesn’t have a natural ending – with climax – and instead involves deciding when to stop trying.

Men with this issue may not see it as a problem since they are taught by our culture to try to be “studs” and think that means 45 minutes of thrusting with intercourse.   Their partners are often very reluctant to bring this up, because they don’t want to hurt their feelings.  The good news is that this can be worked upon with a good sex therapist if it is acknowledged. 

So there you have another little-known cause of low libido in women.