Boost Your Low Libido

If you can honestly say that you have no sexual shame, then you are in a very small minority of adult women.  Sexual shame is a belief - conscious or unconscious - that sex is dirty, nasty, bad or even repulsive.  If you believe this, your libido may be low or non-existent; and you may also have trouble fully enjoying sex. 

To determine whether you have sexual shame, pay attention to the language you use about sex and about your genitals.  Is it positive?  Overly clinical?  Is there a language at all, or is it incredibly difficult to speak about?  I hear the words “down there” used to mean women’s genitals often in my practice.  This shows discomfort with talking about it, and the disconnection they feel from their genitals.  Many women lower their voices, and blush when they attempt to talk about sex.  And why wouldn’t they?  Over and over I hear stories of girls whose parents NEVER talked to them about sex.  Many tell me their mothers never even told them about menstruation.  Or they tell me that when they got their periods for the first time, they didn’t tell their mothers for weeks because they felt so embarrassed.  Not talking about sex and educating your kids about their bodies conveys a huge message - sex and the body are so dirty that we can’t even begin to talk about it.  It can be a deafening silence.

You may have also picked up on your parents’ feelings about sex indirectly.  For example, maybe you were watching tv with your folks, and a movie preview came on that had a racy love scene, and you saw your mother tense up and change the channel quickly.  What did that communicate to you?  Or  perhaps your mother did tell you about sex, but was quite anxious as she did so.  You may not be able to recall her words, but clearly remember her being very uncomfortable. 

Think about all the negative slang names for the vagina.  Think about all the jokes you have heard about vaginal odor.  Think about what terms you were taught to use by your family for your genitals.   Think about the words you use to describe your period.   They range from silly to highly shaming - as in learning to describe your vagina as your “awful”.  Many women tell me they think their vaginas are ugly.  If you think your vagina is ugly and odorous - how much are you likely to enjoy sex?  Especially oral sex?  Not very. 

What can you do to reverse sexual shame?  First, become aware of what negative beliefs you  have deep down.  Then ask yourself, exactly what about this body part, or sexual act is gross?  (Or bad, or shameful, or disgusting).  Write about it.  Challenge yourself - was I taught this?  If so, by whom?  Do I agree with this as an adult?  Create a new language with your partner about your body and sex  by affirming what you want to feel about them now.  Create some sexual self-esteem affirmations, like:  I am a beautiful, sexual woman.  Or:  I love my genitals and the pleasure they give to me and my partner.  Or:  Making love with my husband is a beautiful, even sacred thing.   Repeat these affirmations often to contradict the old shame.

If you are like most women receiving a recommendation from your doctor that you see a counselor to help you with a sexual issue, your first response might be shock.  You might prefer to work on this as a solely medical problem.  So many women tell me that they wish there was a pill that could solve their sexual problem.  But sexuality is complex - it involves not only your body, but your heart, thoughts and emotions as well.  Additionally, having a sexual issue can bring down your self-esteem, and can be depressing in itself.  So you may be getting the referral for the sexual issue itself, or for the “side effects” - the effects of the problem on your self-esteem or your marriage.

 You may feel nervous about the thought of even calling about an appointment, much less walking in the door.  Most of my clients tell me that they feel a tremendous sense of relief and hope when they leave my office after a first appointment.  They tell me they feel understood, and that they have a sense that I will be able to help them conquer their problem.  So even though it can feel embarrassing, or anxiety-provoking to call or come in, it is definitely worth it.  Truly, the avoidance and fear about facing your issue is FAR worse than getting some specialized assistance to overcome it.

 Knowing what to expect can help to ease your mind.  When you come to my office, you will find a clipboard in the waiting room with paperwork for you to fill out.  You will be the only person in the waiting room, as I do not share my suite with other therapists.  When I am ready to see you, I will invite you into my office.  We will go over your paperwork, and I will ask you about your concerns and take notes.  I will use this information to target some areas to focus our work around.  I will give you some homework to do to bring with you the next time you come in.*  You are welcome to bring your spouse if that would make you feel more comfortable.

I thoroughly enjoy my work with couples on improving their sexual relationships.  It is very rewarding to see the return of passion, the increase in sexual satisfaction, and stronger, closer relationships overall.    There is no reason you shouldn’t be able to have a wonderful sex life if you can stare down your fear, take charge and begin the work.  For most couples, the work is short-term, and they are very glad they did it.

*I can also work with you by phone if you live outside the Dallas area.

I heard an interesting statistic the other day about how long it takes people to call their physician after they begin to have a symptom.  The average is 7 days.  With a couples problem, the average time before they call a therapist is 7 years.  Quite striking, isn’t it?  We are much more comfortable in our society getting help for a physical problem than a psychological one.   If your partner has a low libido, by the time she calls me for an appointment, you will likely be a VERY frustrated man.  The following information and suggestions are meant to help you cope while your partner is working on the problem.

For many women, it will take a huge amount of courage just to make the call for an appointment - much less walk in the door.  A woman coming in for the first time will likely feel embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, and guilty for how much her libido has negatively affected your relationship.  Give her plenty of credit for taking this step. 

I know you may be full of resentment or even quite angry at your partner by the time she (seemingly FINALLY, to you) starts to face this issue.  You have likely brought up the problem many times, you have probably argued about it,  felt ignored,  and not taken seriously.   You may have long ago given up on trying to initiate sex, knowing that you will be turned down.  And that kind of repeated rejection stings, doesn’t it?  You may even feel unloved by her.  You may have thought about ending the relationship, or be on the verge of it.  Sometimes it takes getting close to the edge to drum up the courage to get help. 

You have probably tried a lot of different things to solve the problem with her.   But the date nights, the romancing, the waiting for her to initiate (which doesn’t happen), the kinder gentler sex initiation, the trying to guilt her into it, the attempts to pressure her into it - none of it has worked.  You are still having very infrequent sex, or none at all.  Or maybe you are having regular sex, but she doesn’t really participate - seeming to be waiting until its over so she can do something she REALLY wants to do.

 You may have even been to couples counseling before.  But if you weren’t seeing a therapist who specializes in this area, it probably wasn’t very effective.  When general couples counselors see this type of problem, they tend not to get into the nitty gritty of the sexual problem - treating it as a relationship problem instead.   At times, this is needed, but you definitely need sessions focused on the sexual issue, and homework to further you along the process. 

So here is what you can do to support your partner and solve the libido problem:

1.  Be sure you aren’t pressuring her about sex NOW.  That means, don’t make jokes or comments about how inactive your sex life is.  Try to accept where she is as just the starting point, which you both will build upon as she works through the issue.  Don’t expect immediate results.  While some can make progress very quickly, others take more time.  You will set yourself and your partner up to fail if you expect this to change overnight. 

2. Be willing to go to sessions with her if necessary.  For some women, it is very scary and difficult to talk about sex, and having their partner there can make them feel supported, and more willing to delve into it.  Also, your perspective on the problem can add insight to what needs to change to remove the barriers to her libido.  And there may be some things you both need to change in your relationship.

3.  Encourage her by telling her that you know you will get through this together.  Ask what you can do specifically to help.  Try to make her feel loved and supported - as she is likely feeling way out of her comfort zone.  Remind her of how great it was when you two were falling in love. 

4. Let her know that falling into complacency about not having a sex life isn’t ok for you, and you want to continue to work on this until it isn’t a problem anymore.   Stay away from critical or demanding words like “you never”  or “you must”.

5.  If she is working on this individually, ask her how it is going.  Don’t ask for a full report after each session.  She may not want to tell you all about it.  Respect that as part of the process for her in overcoming this if she seems to need it.    You might even say “I’m interested in how your counseling is going, but I don’t want to make you feel that you have to tell me all the details.  Talk to me about if you want to”.

6. Keep the faith that you will solve this problem.  I see women go from no libido to a healthy libido in my work with them, and it is rewarding to me to see them reclaim their passion for their partners.  A lot of the time, my work involves helping women rid themselves of shame about sex, and when they do it - they feel free to really enjoy sex. 

I see a number of women for the first time after their husbands have initiated a separation because of their lack of desire.   Women tell me how devastated they are, and how they never thought it would come to this.  For example, Sheila (fictional composite of  several clients) says that she heard his complaints about her low libido and lack of sex life, but that she didn’t know what else to do to make it change.  She tells me that she asked  her doctor for information and referrals to therapists, and even went to therapy - but it didn’t help. 

This may be because she saw a therapist that was great with anxiety and depression, or blended families, but not comfortable or skilled in helping resolve a sexual problem.  It may seem odd in this day and age, but there are therapists who are embarrassed to talk about sexual issues.  Believe me, there are.  If this is so, the therapist may want to focus your session on other issues.  Then you won’t get anywhere.

Sheila also says that she felt very ashamed to have this problem.   She says she felt “defective” as a woman and a “failure as a wife”.  It was embarrassing to make the first call, much less actually walk into my office and tell her story to a complete stranger.  Of course, when she left, she felt understood, relieved, and hopeful that she would be able to conquer this problem.

People have problems in many different areas of life:  handling money, managing their careers, facing conflict with a friend, parenting effectively, finding a suitable mate, controlling impulses; the list goes on and on.  Yet I find that people expect themselves not to have sexual problems.  Why?  Its just one more part of life that can be hard for people.  With the other problems I listed above, it seems to be less shameful to take action to solve the problem - by taking a class, or reading a self-help book, or seeing a therapist. 

So the fact that the solution to a low libido seems even more vulnerable than the problem becomes one more reason to put off getting help.  Time goes by, and eventually a husband gets more angry and convinced that their sex life will never get better.  Consider Tim (another fictional, composite client) who left his wife after their sex life remained at a 5-6 time a year frequency for 6 years.  At first, he says, “I felt rejected, so I stopped trying to initiate to avoid that awful feeling”.  When that didn’t help, I tried bringing it up all the time, thinking one of these times it will work - we’ll have great sex and it will turn around.  Finally, I just got angrier and angrier, until I almost felt nothing for the woman I have loved for all these years.  I thought the only option left was to split up.” This is a very sad, and very preventable end to a marriage. 

Since you are reading this blog, you KNOW where to get the specialized help you need to restore your desire.    I know how hard it is to get the courage to face this issue - and I will provide plenty of emotional support to get you through it.  Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone - many women struggle with this!   If you get stuck in avoiding the issue, or in thinking he should accept this as in - For Better, For Worse - think again.  The avoidance and fear about tackling the issue is so much worse than actually tackling it!   Start today.  I’m betting you’ll be glad you did.

The first Women’s Orgasm 101 teleclass was such a success, that I have decided to offer it again.  This will be a 3-week teleclass designed to help you gain the information and mindset to maximize your sexual enjoyment.  They say the mind is the most important sex organ, and I agree wholeheartedly!

A Teleclass is basically a conference call.  At the class time, you simply phone in from the privacy of your home, office or even your car.  Each class lasts 1 hour.  So you can even take the class on your lunch break.  When you register, I will give you instructions on how to access the conference call line.

I will be giving you plenty of information on your sexual functioning at each class, and will allow some time for questions and discussion.  Many women feel embarrassed to talk about their sexual concerns in person, so  if this is you, this will be an ideal format for you.  It can also be a huge relief to hear from other women - realizing that you aren’t the only one struggling while everyone else is having a fabulous sex life.   Participating in the class can help you get more comfortable talking about sex as well.  Though I don’t make anyone talk if they don’t want to, I found in the first class that the women were happy to have the opportunity to share.  They said they often felt they couldn’t talk with their usual supportive friends or family about this issue. 

The classes will be recorded, so if you can’t “attend”, you can just listen to the tape at a more convenient time. 

Here’s a breakdown of what will be covered:

Week 1:  “Down There” — All About The Vagina

*What to Expect from the Labia, Clitoris, Vagina and G-Spot

*Myths about Women’s Sexuality and the Unrealistic Expectations that Come from them

*Feelings about Your Genitals (and his)

*How to Increase Your Sexual Self-Esteem

Week 2: Roadblocks to Orgasm

*I Hate my Thighs- Negative Body Image

*What Will it be Like? - Common Fears about Having Orgasms

*Will it Happen THIS time? - How to End the Pressure

*That’s Nasty! - Overcoming Sexual Shame

Week 3:  Claiming Your Body and its Many Pleasures

*New Ways of Thinking about Your Sexuality

*Getting Out of Your Head and Into Your Body

*What Do I Really Like?  - Learning about Your Sexual Tastes

*Using Relaxation Exercises and Affirmations to Feel Good about Sex

*How to Get the Support You Need from Your Partner

*Making the Space for Intimacy

There will be homework exercises for you to complete between classes, which will help move you along the road to sexual enjoyment. 

The fee for this class is $120.

Class dates will be announced shortly.  Feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

There are a number of health issues that directly impact your sex drive and your sexual functioning.  Be sure to get a complete physical to rule out any of these causes of lowered desire or difficulties with reaching orgasm, or gettting and sustaining erections:

*Medications

High Blood Pressure medications

Anti-depressants

Seizure medications

Anti-convulsants

Anti-cancer drugs

Birth control pills

Sedatives

Anti-psychotics

Anti-ulcer

Conditions that can play a role in decreased libido include:

Menopause

Depression, Anxiety and Stress

Blood Supply problems

Nerve damage (spinal cord injuries)

Endocrine disorders (thyroid, pituitary or adrenal problems)

Diabetic neuropathy

Multiple Schlerosis

Hormonal deficiencies

This is not an exhaustive list, so be sure to consult your physician if you suspect a medical condition or medication could be causing your sexual difficulty.

If you have found yourself saying these words to your partner recently, you are not alone.  If my practice is any indication, there is a virtual epidemic of what I’ve heard called “Sexual Anorexia” in today’s couples.  I work with many couples experiencing this very troubling problem - a problem which can threaten a relationship.

At times, there is a desire discrepancy - where one partner wants sex much more frequently than the other does.  It might be that he wants sex 3-4 times a week, while she wants it once every other week.  This is different from a complete lack of libido, as in when women tell me they wouldn’t care if they never had sex again.  It is important to clarify between no desire and desire discrepancies, because the work to restore desire is different than the work to create workable solutions to different levels of desire. 

Some women tell me they have no desire, but then when we talk about it, I notice that they have some desire, physically, but may not feel like acting on it.   Sometimes a woman feels overwhelmed with her husband’s constantly talking about sex, trying to touch her at in opportune times, or getting mad when she says no.  One woman said:  Even if you like steak, if somone is always trying to get you to eat steak, you will start to lose your taste for steak.  If it goes on long enough, you may feel you never want steak again.  Eating steak can even become a repulsive thought.  

At times, it takes a separation to get both people willing to work on it.  My advice to you is - don’t let it get that far.  Men tend to feel loved by making love.  Women can too, but it is not as primary for most women.  If a couple stays in a stalemate about this for too long,  not enjoying a good, regular sex life, a man will leave even a woman he dearly loves.  Many couples come to see me at this point - and a lot can be done to repair the relationship and get them sexually attuned again.  However, there is much more pain to deal with for both partners when this is the case.

I help get couples back on track by providing a safe, non-judgmental place to discuss the issue.  I usually assign homework, and see the couple together as well as individually.  This work can be done in my office or by phone. 

Being unable to focus on the good physical sensations or loving feelings for your partner is a major reason that some women do not have orgasms.  Here, I discuss two issues that are related to the inability to focus during sex. 

1. BUSY, BUSY BUSY

 Women today lead incredibly busy, multi-role lives.  It seems to have become a status symbol in America to say “I’m SO busy!”.  While I am certainly a fan of women leading full lives, this can take a toll on one’s libido.  I see women who are up at 5 am and don’t stop for one minute until they collapse in bed at midnight - managing complex careers, taking care of children or aging parents, volunteering in their communities, exercising to stay fit, being active in religious organizations, helping kids with homework, attending children’s extracurricular activities, doing the housework, yardwork and paying bills.  Its not any real surprise that sex can get put on the back burner.  Let’s face it, its not even on your To Do list!  So women procrastinate - “Not tonight, honey, I’m too tired”.  But the next night, it is the same thing.  Finally, couples just lose touch.  This is an understandable, but sad and preventable phenomenon. 

 It is a total cliche’, but you need regular Date Nights.  You’ve gotta put sex on your calendar.  Yes, your calendar.  A lack of spontaneity (the reason people object to doing so) is better than a lack of connection with your partner.  Or worse, an extramarital affair.  Meditation and yoga can help slow you down and quiet your mind as well.  Of course, that means another item on your calendar.

2. ANXIETY

“Anxiety is to libido what vinegar is to wine.”  This was said by Dr. Jorge De Gregorio in his book, My Head and My Heart:  Sex, Love, Life, and the Unconscious.

Anxiety is a related explanation for lack of satisfying sex - as well as for avoiding sex.  At times, the super-busy woman doesn’t want to make room for sex because it brings up uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

If a woman is anxiously thinking about all the tasks she needs to, do, she will not be available emotionally for sex.  She may put it off, genuinely thinking she’ll be up for it tomorrow, or on the weekend.  This can become an endless cycle - a treadmill of getting things done, while she drifts farther and farther from her husband.  Anxiety can make it difficult to be truly present during sex as well.  She will be in her head, as opposed to being in her body, and the sensations will not be felt as keenly. 

Many women also have anxiety about sex.  In her book, For Yourself, Dr. Lonnie Barbach said the message we receive in American culture about sex when growing up is “Sex is dirty.  Save it for the one you love.”   It can be very difficult to erase those messages, just as if there was a cd of them running in your mind.  If you tend to think negatively of sex - feeling uncomfortable with “the act”, referring to your vagina as “down there”, and tend to restrict your sex life to one or two positions or activities, you may have a good bit of anxiety  or shame about sex. 

Fortunately, this kind of sexual shame can be overcome.  First, get more information - read current books on sexuality, like For Women Only, by Drs. Jennifer and Laura Berman.  Push yourself to talk specifically with your partner about sexual details and your feelings about them.  Or take my teleclass coming in February on women’s sexuality.  You can get more comfortable with it, and it is so worth it - for you and your relationship.

One reason that some women lose their sexual desire is that the sex they are having is just not satisfying. Less than fulfilling sex can be defined in many ways: 

*a lack of one or both partner’s achieving orgasm

* intercourse lasting too short or too long

* thinking you are having the “wrong kind” of orgasm

* being unable to focus on the physical sensations or    loving feelings for your partner

*not liking the stimulation you are getting from your partner

*having pain with entry or intercourse

*finding your last interlude with your partner about as interesting as boiled eggs

 While orgasm is a fabulous thing, it does not have to be the only reason to have sex.  Sex can generate a lot of closeness for a couple that extends beyond the actual time in bed.  Lovemaking can make it easier to overlook the little irritations that come with living with someone.  Being intensely goal-oriented about achieving orgasm can interfere with your ability to enjoy the whole event.  Its like thinking about dessert, while you aren’t even tasting the filet mignon!  Most people would say that even if they didn’t get to The Big O, they did have a good bit of pleasure from their tryst.  Consider it connecting and expressing love for your partner.  There is a reason we call it “lovemaking”.   And the cuddling afterwards is so nice, too!

I see a lot of women who have difficulty reaching orgasm most or all of the time.  This can be very frustrating for both you and your partner - leaving him thinking he is not a good lover, and you feeling somehow defective.   Defective is a strong and highly negative word, but it is one I hear repeatedly from my clients with this problem.  This is a painful, but very real reason some women lose their desire.  If it makes you feel bad to do it, what is the point?

Most women can learn to have orgasms - even if they have never had one before.  Adequate - meaning very personalized information about anatomy and sexual functioning can really open doors of fulfillment.  I work with women to identify and overcome any misconceptions or “mental blocks” that may be interfering with their enjoyment.  In fact, I will be offering a 3 - week Teleclass on this subject in February.  (A Teleclass is a class participants take by phone.)

 Some women can have an orgasm alone, but not with their partner.  Or some used to be able to get there with their partner, but seem to have lost that ability.  With these women, I help them determine what stands in the way, looking at the timing of the change or addressing trust or vulnerability issues.  Sex does not occur in a vacuum, and a lot can happen in the course of  a long-term relationship, or just one’s life, that can get you off track.  Fortunately, most women can get back on the road to orgasm with some focused work on it.

 I will address other reasons that sexual “unfulfillment” can lead to a drop in your libido in future blogs.