Boost Your Low Libido

Archive for the ‘LOW LIBIDO’ Category

Early Ejaculation is the most common complaint for men in sex therapy.  A male client might tell me “I want to last longer during intercourse – I seem to only last a minute or so.”    While I also see some men who think that they aren’t lasting long enough, when they are lasting in the average range of 5-8 minutes.  Our culture  (and probably porn) encourages us to think that “real men” last a very long time. 

Early Ejaculation is also very, very treatable.  It can take courage making an appointment with a Certified Sex Therapist, but most men are able to be helped to control their ejaculation.   Sadly, the effects of EE on a  couple are:  decrease in sexual confidence and desire for both, increased anxiety about having sex, and then a tendency to avoid it completely.  Both can be left with feelings of disappointment, and feelings of embarrassment, failure  or just “missing out” on the sex they want. 

The good news is that this issue can be overcome with a bit of work.  I hope you won’t let embarrassment keep you from tackling this very frustrating problem.

When it is the male partner who has no sex drive in the marriage, there are some key differences in how the lack of sexual frequency affects a couple. 

Because our societal myth is that  men as “want sex all the time,” if your husband doesn’t want sex, the first thing you are likely to think is “is there another woman?”  A woman is far more likely to wonder about this than a man, when his wife has no desire – though, of course, it happens for some men as well.  This can then introduce a lack of trust into the relationship that wasn’t there before.  A woman might start checking her husband’s cell phone, for example.  This can then lead to arguments, and more turmoil.  Not good.  However, in most cases I see, I don’t hear that  a man’s low libido was due to his having an affair.

It can be very tough on a woman’s  sexual confidence if her husband consistently doesn’t want sex, and even actively avoids it.  Just as with men who have the higher interest in sex, women tend to take it as a rejection; however, women question their attractiveness more when this is occurring.  Women can be ruthless in their critiques of their own bodies, and this can escalate as a result of the lack of sexual frequency.  Again, because men are “supposed” to want sex all the time, a woman will try to understand why her partner is not wanting sex – and will often put the blame on her body.

With male low libido, both partners are less likely to seek help, often because they are embarrassed and ashamed.  They tell me they think they are “just not normal” and this can keep them from talking with their physicians, or coming in for sex therapy to remedy the problem. 

Men can have a variety of causes for their lost libidos, such as:  depression, anxiety & stress, relationship issues such as conflict or lack of connection, performance issues, other sexual concerns such as erection problems or early ejaculation, lack of sexual confidence, sexual shame, or body image.

I’m seeing more couples who are struggling with this issue – and I hope that means that there is more acceptance that this can be a normal problem for many couples, and that there is help available that can get couples back on track.

Its official, you can now make your own appointment online!  I’m happy to offer this option for all of you

busy people, who don’t necessarily have time to reach me by phone.  Simply go to the Appointments tab,

and click below on Make Your Appt. Online.  You will be taken to a private page where you can see where

my available times match yours.  Quick, easy, and you’re done!

Has a sexual partner ever said something to you in bed that crushed you?

If so, you are not alone – and it could be a factor in your low libido or erection difficulties,

or even your ability to reach orgasm.  Think about how hard it is for most people to take

even sensitively-delivered “feedback” about their job performance.  For most of us, it is

no walk in the park, even if we know it can help us to work more effectively. 

Now think about how sensitive and vulnerable it can be to hear anything negative about

how you are as a sexual partner – it takes the vulnerability to the nth power! 

Unfortunately,  I hear from many of the men and women I work with, that they have

heard some very ill-timed, and poorly worded comments – and they affected their sexual

self esteem in a big way.  And that affect has lasted for years.   

Yes, couples must learn to talk about their sex lives, and this takes trust.  Trust that your

partner is committed to you.  Trust that your partner will want to please you, and will

listen and try to meet your sexual needs.  Trust that your partner will think about what

s/he wants to be different, and how to express this so that it doesn’t feel like a complete

negation of the other’s sexual ability.  Go gently, and slowly with this very tender subject.

And remember, you can also show, rather than tell.  More on this topic later.

Want to know more about low libido, what causes it and what factors are associated with it?  BYLL has put together a very short quiz that will help you understand low libido issues more clearly and will give you insight into this condition.

Take the quiz here

ORGASM 101:  LEARNING HOW TO HAVE ORGASMS

This class will be limited to 8 women, so that a comfortable environment can be created to talk

about this very common concern for women.  We will use a wonderful book as our text, and you

will have some homework assignments – that I hope will even be fun for you. We will learn about

the different types of orgasms, and what can get in the way of having orgasms.

This class will meet on the following Thursdays from 5:15 pm - 6:30 pm:

June 10, June 24, July 8, July 22, August 5, & August 19.

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SEXUAL PAIN & VAGINISMUS SUPPORT GROUP

Far too many women suffer alone, and feel tremendous shame about having sexual pain and vaginismus.

This group will be a supportive place to get information, share strategies, talk openly about the struggle

to enjoy intercourse, and cheer each other on.  Also limited to 8 women.

Meets 11:45 am - 1 pm  the following Tuesdays:

June 8, June 22, July 6, July 20, August 10, & August 24

LIBIDO 101:  ALL ABOUT YOUR LIBIDO (INCLUDING  HOW TO INCREASE IT)

Low libido is by far the most common sexual complaint for American women.   I know, you’re too busy, and

you just want to sleep when you hit the pillow, however, there are many factors that cause low libido.  We will

discuss the causes, and look at ways to capitalize on any desire you may have,  or create some.

This group will meet from 11:45 am – 1 pm on the following Tuesdays:

June 15, June 29, July 13, August 3, August 17, & August 31.

To register, email me at lauren@BoostYourLowLibido.com.   Fees are $420 per group or class, with a

10% discount for full payment in advance, or for registering for more than one class.

I will be offering online scheduling very soon!  This should make it much easier

for you to make an appointment with me.  Instead of trading voicemail, or

email messages, you can access the scheduler via this site – and very quickly

book your own appointment.  I’m excited about this new service.  Of course,

you can always email or phone me with your questions as well.  I will still

be available, but if you’re in a rush and need to get that appointment made

before it disappears, you can do it.

For some women, a low libido comes about because sex is physically painful.  This problem is called Dyspareunia, and it seems that no one talks about it.  A related problem is when penetration is very difficult, or even impossible, and it is called Vaginismus.  It seems obvious that if sex is painful, or it takes such a long time every time you try to have intercourse to penetrate, your libido will suffer. 

Unfortunately, because this problem is not well-known, many women suffer for years in silence.  They tell me they feel intense embarrassment and shame – that there is something wrong with them.  “Sex should be so natural, so easy” they tell me.  Well, not for everyone.  Many women are too embarrassed to talk with their physicians about it.  But there is help available for this problem.  The solution involves getting counseling to resolve the psychological part of the issue, and often seeing a Physical Therapist who specializes in Pelvic Floor work to  tackle the physical part of the problem. 

The psychological part of the problem can involve:  sexual shame, sexual trauma, being disconnected from the genitals,  as well as anxiety and fear about penetration.  The physical part of the problem can involve a number of issues, from skin conditions, to an involuntary spasm of the vaginal and pelvic floor muscles that cause pain and make penetration difficult or impossible.   

If you are struggling with painful or impossible sex, don’t continue alone.  This is a big problem, but there is help available – if you just reach out for the resources.  It is incredibly rewarding to me when I see couples get past this very lonely and frustrating problem.  C all me with your questions, or email me at lauren@BoostYourLowLibido.com.

Have you ever wondered if your partner’s sexual desire bordered on addiction?

Do you think you feel a healthy level of desire, but not if you compare it to your partner’s libido?

While I am not a fan of the term “sex addiction,”  I do believe that people can develop sexually compulsive

behaviors that can cause big problems in their relationships, and in their lives overall. 

How do you tell if your partner might have some sexually compulsive behaviors?

Here are some signs that your partner may have a problem:

1. Spending a lot of time looking at porn – to the extent that it interferes with getting enough sleep, or functioning at work.

2. Putting more time and energy into porn, or other sexually oriented websites, etc. than you do with your relationship.

3.  Having affairs over and over again.

4.  Hiding your sexual behaviors because you are ashamed of them.

5.  Telling yourself repeatedly that you will stop the behavior, and then doing it again.

6.  Participating in risky types of sexual behavior – as in picking up strangers, or doing things that are illegal.

7.  Needing more and more explicit or “kinky” porn or sex to feel satisfied.

8.  Coercing your partner into doing sexual things they aren’t comfortable with – like going to swingers’ clubs, strip clubs, watching porn, or acting out fantasies.

9.  Spending a lot of money on your sexual behaviors.

10.  Your partner complains about your sexual behavior – saying it has put a barrier between you.

If you aren’t sure whether you or your partner may have a problem, call my office for a consultation.  At times, a “low libido” not be the problem that needs addressing.