Boost Your Low Libido

Many women have low libidos  (and trouble reaching orgasm) because they feel too vulnerable to really let go.  Being intimate sexually; being yourself in bed; asking for what you want from your partner;  being open to what your partner wants from you sexually; literally opening your body and allowing your partner inside your own body; allowing yourself to be playful in bed;  letting yourself cry out with pleasure — all of these are vulnerable acts that require trust.   And I mean both trust in your partner, and in YOURSELF.  If you feel safe, loved, and are free from sexual shame (more on this in a later blog), it can be a joyful kind of letting go.  If you don’t feel safe, it can be a whole different ballgame. 

There are many possible reasons for a lack of safety.  Possibly you were cheated on in this relationship, or a former relationship (or several), and can’t bear the thought of being hurt that way again, so you hold back by not letting herself get that close.  Maybe there is a lot of conflict in your relationship that is never resolved, so there is lingering resentment.  Nothing will shut your libido and orgasmic potential down faster than buried resentment of your partner.  Certainly if there is any verbal or physical abuse in the relationship, it is not a safe and healthy relationship.  Or if you were sexually abused as a child, or endured any other kind of sexual trauma as an adolescent or adult, you may have difficulty letting your partner get that intimate.  It may evoke highly negative memories or flashbacks, or it may just leave you with a tremendous sense of unease about sex.  The kind of unease that makes you want to avoid sex.

If you are like a lot of women, the idea of orgasm can be scary, since you haven’t ever had one before and don’t know what it will be like.  You could fear that you will have a ghastly look on your face, or that you will make ugly or animalistic sounds if you have an orgasm.   Finally, you may experience the idea of making love, or having an orgasm as scary because it feels “out of control”.   It does require some letting go of control to be freely enjoying your sex life.  Some women can revel in this, as a very different part of their usual day to day life where they have to be in control and be responsible for so many things.   But for many, it has a dark side to it that they can’t necessarily even articulate. 

 All of these concerns can be dealt with effectively in therapy or coaching sessions.  Learning what may be unresolved issues in this relationship or past relationships and cleaning them up can free you from a low libido.  Deciphering what exactly is vulnerable or scary to you can mean that we can devise a way to empower you to face it - though just talking about it openly will decrease the fear for some.  There may be things your partner can do to ease the anxiety and make you feel safe.  If you are in a truly abusive relationship, it will be impossible to feel safe unless your partner is committed to doing the necessary work to end his abuse of you.  Fortunately for most of the couples I see, abuse is not the issue that puts a wet blanket on their love life.  And though it is never easy to start to address sexual issues, the rewards are so great for a relationship that it is more than worth the awkwardness of the first meeting. 

I see a number of women for the first time after their husbands have initiated a separation because of their lack of desire.   Women tell me how devastated they are, and how they never thought it would come to this.  For example, Sheila (fictional composite of  several clients) says that she heard his complaints about her low libido and lack of sex life, but that she didn’t know what else to do to make it change.  She tells me that she asked  her doctor for information and referrals to therapists, and even went to therapy - but it didn’t help. 

This may be because she saw a therapist that was great with anxiety and depression, or blended families, but not comfortable or skilled in helping resolve a sexual problem.  It may seem odd in this day and age, but there are therapists who are embarrassed to talk about sexual issues.  Believe me, there are.  If this is so, the therapist may want to focus your session on other issues.  Then you won’t get anywhere.

Sheila also says that she felt very ashamed to have this problem.   She says she felt “defective” as a woman and a “failure as a wife”.  It was embarrassing to make the first call, much less actually walk into my office and tell her story to a complete stranger.  Of course, when she left, she felt understood, relieved, and hopeful that she would be able to conquer this problem.

People have problems in many different areas of life:  handling money, managing their careers, facing conflict with a friend, parenting effectively, finding a suitable mate, controlling impulses; the list goes on and on.  Yet I find that people expect themselves not to have sexual problems.  Why?  Its just one more part of life that can be hard for people.  With the other problems I listed above, it seems to be less shameful to take action to solve the problem - by taking a class, or reading a self-help book, or seeing a therapist. 

So the fact that the solution to a low libido seems even more vulnerable than the problem becomes one more reason to put off getting help.  Time goes by, and eventually a husband gets more angry and convinced that their sex life will never get better.  Consider Tim (another fictional, composite client) who left his wife after their sex life remained at a 5-6 time a year frequency for 6 years.  At first, he says, “I felt rejected, so I stopped trying to initiate to avoid that awful feeling”.  When that didn’t help, I tried bringing it up all the time, thinking one of these times it will work - we’ll have great sex and it will turn around.  Finally, I just got angrier and angrier, until I almost felt nothing for the woman I have loved for all these years.  I thought the only option left was to split up.” This is a very sad, and very preventable end to a marriage. 

Since you are reading this blog, you KNOW where to get the specialized help you need to restore your desire.    I know how hard it is to get the courage to face this issue - and I will provide plenty of emotional support to get you through it.  Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone - many women struggle with this!   If you get stuck in avoiding the issue, or in thinking he should accept this as in - For Better, For Worse - think again.  The avoidance and fear about tackling the issue is so much worse than actually tackling it!   Start today.  I’m betting you’ll be glad you did.