When it is the male partner who has no sex drive in the marriage, there are some key differences in how the lack of sexual frequency affects a couple.
Because our societal myth is that men as “want sex all the time,” if your husband doesn’t want sex, the first thing you are likely to think is “is there another woman?” A woman is far more likely to wonder about this than a man, when his wife has no desire – though, of course, it happens for some men as well. This can then introduce a lack of trust into the relationship that wasn’t there before. A woman might start checking her husband’s cell phone, for example. This can then lead to arguments, and more turmoil. Not good. However, in most cases I see, I don’t hear that a man’s low libido was due to his having an affair.
It can be very tough on a woman’s sexual confidence if her husband consistently doesn’t want sex, and even actively avoids it. Just as with men who have the higher interest in sex, women tend to take it as a rejection; however, women question their attractiveness more when this is occurring. Women can be ruthless in their critiques of their own bodies, and this can escalate as a result of the lack of sexual frequency. Again, because men are “supposed” to want sex all the time, a woman will try to understand why her partner is not wanting sex – and will often put the blame on her body.
With male low libido, both partners are less likely to seek help, often because they are embarrassed and ashamed. They tell me they think they are “just not normal” and this can keep them from talking with their physicians, or coming in for sex therapy to remedy the problem.
Men can have a variety of causes for their lost libidos, such as: depression, anxiety & stress, relationship issues such as conflict or lack of connection, performance issues, other sexual concerns such as erection problems or early ejaculation, lack of sexual confidence, sexual shame, or body image.
I’m seeing more couples who are struggling with this issue – and I hope that means that there is more acceptance that this can be a normal problem for many couples, and that there is help available that can get couples back on track.
