Has a sexual partner ever said something to you in bed that crushed you?
If so, you are not alone – and it could be a factor in your low libido or erection difficulties,
or even your ability to reach orgasm. Think about how hard it is for most people to take
even sensitively-delivered “feedback” about their job performance. For most of us, it is
no walk in the park, even if we know it can help us to work more effectively.
Now think about how sensitive and vulnerable it can be to hear anything negative about
how you are as a sexual partner – it takes the vulnerability to the nth power!
Unfortunately, I hear from many of the men and women I work with, that they have
heard some very ill-timed, and poorly worded comments – and they affected their sexual
self esteem in a big way. And that affect has lasted for years.
Yes, couples must learn to talk about their sex lives, and this takes trust. Trust that your
partner is committed to you. Trust that your partner will want to please you, and will
listen and try to meet your sexual needs. Trust that your partner will think about what
s/he wants to be different, and how to express this so that it doesn’t feel like a complete
negation of the other’s sexual ability. Go gently, and slowly with this very tender subject.
And remember, you can also show, rather than tell. More on this topic later.
