When I ask women how they learned about sex, most will say that they got “the talk” from Mom, or “the movie” at school. They then recall how uncomfortable these events were for both themselves, or the adults educating them. If they were lucky enough to get “the talk” – that may have been the only time they discussed sex with Mom. Sadly, many will say that Mom never talked with them about sex. This is true even for my youngest clients, who are in their early twenties, so the generations haven’t changed much.
Whether you had total silence about sex and sexuality, or a few choice words, most women I see for low libido say there was silence in their families about sex. When you think about the range of topics that healthy families discuss, you realize that the parental reticence to talk about sex and sexuality is a deafening silence. Think about it, families talk about grooming, hygiene, body odor, germs, dirt, manners, urination, defecation, passing gas, chores, school, religion, politics, values, work, play, illness, money, expectations, feelings, morals. Silence about sex communicates volumes – namely that sex is embarrassing, nasty, and shameful. Many women don’t realize that they carry this sense of shame about being a sexual person into adulthood until it wreaks havoc on their desire level. How can you want something that you really believe is nasty?
I would argue that the education they did get was mostly about reproduction, not sex. Sex and sexuality are very complex things, and in our society we do not offer much, if any, guidance about what being a sexual person is all about. Because women get so many of the “be a good girl” messages, they may turn off any sexual feelings, and find that they can’t turn them back on when they are married and thus, supposed to be sexual.
The shame of silence is also what makes it an act of courage to address your low libido by taking a workshop, reading about it, coming in for sex therapy, or joining a women’s group. But breaking the silence is the key to overcoming sexual shame – so give yourself credit for even being on this site.
