Boost Your Low Libido

If you have a libido, but don’t feel at all inclined to have sex with your spouse, you may feel in a terrible bind.  You probably feel guilty, and confused about why this is so.  You may avoid talking about the problem with your spouse, because you don’t want to hurt his (for this article, I’ll use male pronoun for the spouse) feelings.  It may be that you have even started doubting that you were ever attracted to him – or even if you chose the wrong person to marry. 

While these last two statements could be at the root of your low desire for him, there are other possibilities.  If you’ve been scouting this site, you have already gotten the idea that MANY factors can influence a person’s desire, such as:  stress, fatigue, buried resentments, lack of trust in the partner, past sexual or other trauma, sexual shame and inhibition, being too settled into your relationship, and general intimacy issues. 

And yes, sometimes these factors that have been there for years, don’t impact your desire for your spouse until much later in an established relationship.  True intimacy within a long-term committed relationship can be scary for many people.  Most of us have had our hearts broken before, and as Psaris & Lyons say:  “Most of us have defended and protected ourselves for so many years, we have lost direct access to our hearts.” 

It can feel like MORE of a risk emotionally to be super close to your partner as you become more important to each other, have more invested in your relationship – such as building a home and family together, and sharing a long history together.  I know, it doesn’t seem like it should be this way, but believe me, it is. 

So before you jump the gun and decide that your lack of libido for HIM means you married the wrong guy, do some thinking about other possibilities.  If your low libido is due to other reasons, it can be improved upon, and the factors can be worked out in most cases.  Don’t be so afraid that you know why you don’t want him that you don’t get the help you need to begin to want him again.   If your problem is about general intimacy, you will likely need some therapy – but that’s a whole lot easier  and generally better than trying to start over with someone else – whom you may feel the initial infatuation and falling in love high with, which will then fade after a couple of years anyway. 

A good place to start with determining what other factors could be at play is by reading my eBook – No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.  Or you could sign up for my Women’s Workshop, which will be Saturday, September 19th from 9 am – 12pm.