Let me tell you about a client I will call Linda – who is a composite of many clients.
Linda told me that one reason she has lost interest in sex is that she doesn’t really like the way her husband kisses. She felt horribly guilty about even saying this out loud, and had no idea what to do about the situation. When she was first dating Tom, all the excitement of a new relationship and falling in love distracted her from the kissing dilemma. Now, 12 years into a marriage, and two kids later, it bothers her. It bothers her a lot.
I had Linda begin bringing Tom into her sessions with her. I began by having them each tell the other what they liked about their sex life. Then, I gently facilitated a conversation about what could make their lovemaking better for each of them. I talked about sex therapy exercises designed to add spark to an established relationship. With my guidance, they were able to talk openly about their sexual needs and wishes. Linda was surprised to find that Tom was open to the idea of kissing her differently. In fact, he was glad to have any information about what would please her sexually and increase her interest in sex. I gave them homework to go home and take turns kissing and touching the other exactly the way they would like to be kissed and touched. I had them pay attention to their pacing, the types of touches, their eye contact, or lack thereof.
When we discussed their experience the next week, both were smiling. They said the exercise had led to a wonderful sexual interlude. They realized they had been much less present with each other as the years had gone by. They had both been “going through the motions.” The exercise helped them see what they had been missing, and helped them reconnect in a passionate way.
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