Many times, a low libido – for either spouse – can begin when the couple
has a few encounters that didn’t go well. Maybe he was tired and stressed
and had trouble keeping his erection. Maybe you couldn’t keep your head
“in the game” as your mind wandered off to other things – like the undone
laundry, so you didn’t get aroused, or even close to being satisfied.
After a few times where this happens, a couple’s sexual self-confidence
can hit the skids. Or maybe you never really got into the groove with
each other as sexual partners, and always felt unsure of what to do to
please him, or felt intimidated because he had a lot of sexual partners
before you came along.
Over time, this can create a sense of awkwardness and embarrassment
about being sexual. Since most people prefer to put their time and
energy into doing things that they feel they are good at, its no wonder
that some couples who go through this lose their libidos and start to
avoid sex.
Once you fall into no-sex land, it can feel more and more awkward,
embarrassing and difficult to get out of it. Some couples
go on this way for years, and if other parts of their relationship are
fulfilling, can think everything is ok. But their non-existent sex life
is the elephant in the living room, at some point, one will become
unhappy about trying to see the TV around the elephant. At some
point, the spouse with the higher desire level – even if only a little bit
higher, will start to feel rejected, or that something important is
missing.
This can actually be the saving grace for a marriage – since few
can last without sex forever. So while you may be horrified if your
spouse suggests that you come with him to sex therapy, it can
be your ticket out of no-sex land, into something wonderful for
both of you.
I help facilitate productive conversations about where things
declined, and help you find solutions to the original, or current
problems that interfere with being comfortable being sexual.
When the awkwardness is gone, its amazing how the libido
can reappear.
If you’d like more ideas about recreating a spark, you might like
