When most people think about sex, they define it as intercourse. Redefining sex can be one way to boost your low libido. Outercourse is a newer term which is used to describe oral or manual (using fingers), or other stimulation on the outside of the body. It might include rubbing genitals against each other, or even using a foot, an elbow or a breast to touch the other. In other words, the main difference from intercourse is that there is no penetration. Our society has tended to see outercourse more as foreplay, and has in doing such relegated these ways of being sexual as a bit lower status than intercourse. We really value intercourse in the U.S.
While you may always see intercourse as the most-desired, or most complete way of engaging in sex, changing your perspective on outercourse can help you in several ways.
1. Often foreplay is rushed, as people have little time these days to devote to their sexual relationship. They may have their “eye on the prize” of intercourse and orgasm, and not fully enjoy the pleasures of foreplay. I believe that couples should spend much more time kissing and caressing the whole body, in order to connect more fully, as well as allowing their arousal to build. After a relationship is past the first phase of infatuation, there is much less anticipation and excitement about making love than in the beginning. If you take time with true foreplay, you can create that excitement. Think of it as sipping a nice glass of wine.
2. If you have a low libido, and every time you are sexual with your husband you know it must include foreplay, plus oral, plus intercourse, you may feel more likely to say no than if you know you have the option to choose just oral, or just manual sex. If you see outercourse as a valid and fulfilling way of being sexual in its own right, you will feel more satisfied than if you see intercourse as the only way to be satisfied.
3. As we age, intercourse can become problematic for some. Menopause can create problems with thinning vaginal walls, which can mean that there is pain or discomfort with intercourse. Men can have less reliable erections overall as they age. If you have survived prostate cancer, you may be unable to have an erection at all without viagara, or even penile implants. If you have already established a variety of ways that you can enjoy being sexual together, these challenges will be much easier to navigate. These difficulties don’t happen for everyone, and I certainly hope they don’t happen to you, as we are learning that senior citizens stay active sexually as long as they can if they have a partner.
So consider broadening your perspective with outercourse. There are many ways to creatively engage in being sexual – a virtual smorgasboard of delights that you can choose from. Enjoy!
If you’d like more of Lauren’s perspectives on sex, see her eBook – No Room For Sex: How To Boost Your Low Libido.
