This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008 at 2:55 pm and is filed under LOW LIBIDO. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.
If you can honestly say that you have no sexual shame, then you are in a very small minority of adult women. Sexual shame is a belief - conscious or unconscious - that sex is dirty, nasty, bad or even repulsive. If you believe this, your libido may be low or non-existent; and you may also have trouble fully enjoying sex.
To determine whether you have sexual shame, pay attention to the language you use about sex and about your genitals. Is it positive? Overly clinical? Is there a language at all, or is it incredibly difficult to speak about? I hear the words “down there” used to mean women’s genitals often in my practice. This shows discomfort with talking about it, and the disconnection they feel from their genitals. Many women lower their voices, and blush when they attempt to talk about sex. And why wouldn’t they? Over and over I hear stories of girls whose parents NEVER talked to them about sex. Many tell me their mothers never even told them about menstruation. Or they tell me that when they got their periods for the first time, they didn’t tell their mothers for weeks because they felt so embarrassed. Not talking about sex and educating your kids about their bodies conveys a huge message - sex and the body are so dirty that we can’t even begin to talk about it. It can be a deafening silence.
You may have also picked up on your parents’ feelings about sex indirectly. For example, maybe you were watching tv with your folks, and a movie preview came on that had a racy love scene, and you saw your mother tense up and change the channel quickly. What did that communicate to you? Or perhaps your mother did tell you about sex, but was quite anxious as she did so. You may not be able to recall her words, but clearly remember her being very uncomfortable.
Think about all the negative slang names for the vagina. Think about all the jokes you have heard about vaginal odor. Think about what terms you were taught to use by your family for your genitals. Think about the words you use to describe your period. They range from silly to highly shaming - as in learning to describe your vagina as your “awful”. Many women tell me they think their vaginas are ugly. If you think your vagina is ugly and odorous - how much are you likely to enjoy sex? Especially oral sex? Not very.
What can you do to reverse sexual shame? First, become aware of what negative beliefs you have deep down. Then ask yourself, exactly what about this body part, or sexual act is gross? (Or bad, or shameful, or disgusting). Write about it. Challenge yourself - was I taught this? If so, by whom? Do I agree with this as an adult? Create a new language with your partner about your body and sex by affirming what you want to feel about them now. Create some sexual self-esteem affirmations, like: I am a beautiful, sexual woman. Or: I love my genitals and the pleasure they give to me and my partner. Or: Making love with my husband is a beautiful, even sacred thing. Repeat these affirmations often to contradict the old shame.
