This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 at 8:48 am and is filed under LOW LIBIDO. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.
I heard an interesting statistic the other day about how long it takes people to call their physician after they begin to have a symptom. The average is 7 days. With a couples problem, the average time before they call a therapist is 7 years. Quite striking, isn’t it? We are much more comfortable in our society getting help for a physical problem than a psychological one. If your partner has a low libido, by the time she calls me for an appointment, you will likely be a VERY frustrated man. The following information and suggestions are meant to help you cope while your partner is working on the problem.
For many women, it will take a huge amount of courage just to make the call for an appointment - much less walk in the door. A woman coming in for the first time will likely feel embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, and guilty for how much her libido has negatively affected your relationship. Give her plenty of credit for taking this step.
I know you may be full of resentment or even quite angry at your partner by the time she (seemingly FINALLY, to you) starts to face this issue. You have likely brought up the problem many times, you have probably argued about it, felt ignored, and not taken seriously. You may have long ago given up on trying to initiate sex, knowing that you will be turned down. And that kind of repeated rejection stings, doesn’t it? You may even feel unloved by her. You may have thought about ending the relationship, or be on the verge of it. Sometimes it takes getting close to the edge to drum up the courage to get help.
You have probably tried a lot of different things to solve the problem with her. But the date nights, the romancing, the waiting for her to initiate (which doesn’t happen), the kinder gentler sex initiation, the trying to guilt her into it, the attempts to pressure her into it - none of it has worked. You are still having very infrequent sex, or none at all. Or maybe you are having regular sex, but she doesn’t really participate - seeming to be waiting until its over so she can do something she REALLY wants to do.
You may have even been to couples counseling before. But if you weren’t seeing a therapist who specializes in this area, it probably wasn’t very effective. When general couples counselors see this type of problem, they tend not to get into the nitty gritty of the sexual problem - treating it as a relationship problem instead. At times, this is needed, but you definitely need sessions focused on the sexual issue, and homework to further you along the process.
So here is what you can do to support your partner and solve the libido problem:
1. Be sure you aren’t pressuring her about sex NOW. That means, don’t make jokes or comments about how inactive your sex life is. Try to accept where she is as just the starting point, which you both will build upon as she works through the issue. Don’t expect immediate results. While some can make progress very quickly, others take more time. You will set yourself and your partner up to fail if you expect this to change overnight.
2. Be willing to go to sessions with her if necessary. For some women, it is very scary and difficult to talk about sex, and having their partner there can make them feel supported, and more willing to delve into it. Also, your perspective on the problem can add insight to what needs to change to remove the barriers to her libido. And there may be some things you both need to change in your relationship.
3. Encourage her by telling her that you know you will get through this together. Ask what you can do specifically to help. Try to make her feel loved and supported - as she is likely feeling way out of her comfort zone. Remind her of how great it was when you two were falling in love.
4. Let her know that falling into complacency about not having a sex life isn’t ok for you, and you want to continue to work on this until it isn’t a problem anymore. Stay away from critical or demanding words like “you never” or “you must”.
5. If she is working on this individually, ask her how it is going. Don’t ask for a full report after each session. She may not want to tell you all about it. Respect that as part of the process for her in overcoming this if she seems to need it. You might even say “I’m interested in how your counseling is going, but I don’t want to make you feel that you have to tell me all the details. Talk to me about if you want to”.
6. Keep the faith that you will solve this problem. I see women go from no libido to a healthy libido in my work with them, and it is rewarding to me to see them reclaim their passion for their partners. A lot of the time, my work involves helping women rid themselves of shame about sex, and when they do it - they feel free to really enjoy sex.
