If you have found yourself saying these words to your partner recently, you are not alone. If my practice is any indication, there is a virtual epidemic of what I’ve heard called “Sexual Anorexia” in today’s couples. I work with many couples experiencing this very troubling problem – a problem which can threaten a relationship.
At times, there is a desire discrepancy – where one partner wants sex much more frequently than the other does. It might be that he wants sex 3-4 times a week, while she wants it once every other week. This is different from a complete lack of libido, as in when women tell me they wouldn’t care if they never had sex again. It is important to clarify between no desire and desire discrepancies, because the work to restore desire is different than the work to create workable solutions to different levels of desire.
Some women tell me they have no desire, but then when we talk about it, I notice that they have some desire, physically, but may not feel like acting on it. Sometimes a woman feels overwhelmed with her husband’s constantly talking about sex, trying to touch her at in opportune times, or getting mad when she says no. One woman said: Even if you like steak, if somone is always trying to get you to eat steak, you will start to lose your taste for steak. If it goes on long enough, you may feel you never want steak again. Eating steak can even become a repulsive thought.
At times, it takes a separation to get both people willing to work on it. My advice to you is – don’t let it get that far. Men tend to feel loved by making love. Women can too, but it is not as primary for most women. If a couple stays in a stalemate about this for too long, not enjoying a good, regular sex life, a man will leave even a woman he dearly loves. Many couples come to see me at this point – and a lot can be done to repair the relationship and get them sexually attuned again. However, there is much more pain to deal with for both partners when this is the case.
I help get couples back on track by providing a safe, non-judgmental place to discuss the issue. I usually assign homework, and see the couple together as well as individually. This work can be done in my office or by phone.
