LOW LIBIDO & THE TOO BUSY WOMAN
Being unable to focus on the good physical sensations or loving feelings for your partner is a major reason that some women do not have orgasms. Here, I discuss two issues that are related to the inability to focus during sex.
1. BUSY, BUSY BUSY
Women today lead incredibly busy, multi-role lives. It seems to have become a status symbol in America to say “I’m SO busy!”. While I am certainly a fan of women leading full lives, this can take a toll on one’s libido. I see women who are up at 5 am and don’t stop for one minute until they collapse in bed at midnight – managing complex careers, taking care of children or aging parents, volunteering in their communities, exercising to stay fit, being active in religious organizations, helping kids with homework, attending children’s extracurricular activities, doing the housework, yardwork and paying bills. Its not any real surprise that sex can get put on the back burner. Let’s face it, its not even on your To Do list! So women procrastinate – “Not tonight, honey, I’m too tired”. But the next night, it is the same thing. Finally, couples just lose touch. This is an understandable, but sad and preventable phenomenon.
It is a total cliche’, but you need regular Date Nights. You’ve gotta put sex on your calendar. Yes, your calendar. A lack of spontaneity (the reason people object to doing so) is better than a lack of connection with your partner. Or worse, an extramarital affair. Meditation and yoga can help slow you down and quiet your mind as well. Of course, that means another item on your calendar.
2. ANXIETY
“Anxiety is to libido what vinegar is to wine.” This was said by Dr. Jorge De Gregorio in his book, My Head and My Heart: Sex, Love, Life, and the Unconscious.
Anxiety is a related explanation for lack of satisfying sex – as well as for avoiding sex. At times, the super-busy woman doesn’t want to make room for sex because it brings up uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
If a woman is anxiously thinking about all the tasks she needs to, do, she will not be available emotionally for sex. She may put it off, genuinely thinking she’ll be up for it tomorrow, or on the weekend. This can become an endless cycle – a treadmill of getting things done, while she drifts farther and farther from her husband. Anxiety can make it difficult to be truly present during sex as well. She will be in her head, as opposed to being in her body, and the sensations will not be felt as keenly.
Many women also have anxiety about sex. In her book, For Yourself, Dr. Lonnie Barbach said the message we receive in American culture about sex when growing up is “Sex is dirty. Save it for the one you love.” It can be very difficult to erase those messages, just as if there was a cd of them running in your mind. If you tend to think negatively of sex – feeling uncomfortable with “the act”, referring to your vagina as “down there”, and tend to restrict your sex life to one or two positions or activities, you may have a good bit of anxiety or shame about sex.
Fortunately, this kind of sexual shame can be overcome. First, get more information – read current books on sexuality, like For Women Only, by Drs. Jennifer and Laura Berman. Push yourself to talk specifically with your partner about sexual details and your feelings about them. Or take my teleclass coming in February on women’s sexuality. You can get more comfortable with it, and it is so worth it – for you and your relationship.
