Boost Your Low Libido

Dallas Sex Therapist Lauren Jordan hears this all the time from women she works with:

“I would feel guilty if I  used a vibrator for self-stimulation, because I have so little desire - what I do have  should be shared with my partner.” 

This comment reflects a common belief that masturbation takes sexual energy away from your partner, and is therefore not good for your relationship.  Two Indiana University studies just released their findings that totally contradict this belief. 

In the studies, they found that vibrator use is associated with more positive sexual function, and being more proactive about taking care of one’s sexual health.  Sex therapists have been recommending vibrator use to women for years, as a way of learning their bodies and their sexual response, which they can then transfer to their partners.  Of course, vibrators can also be used during sex with your partner to increase stimulation or to add variety.

While some men may feel threatened by the idea of bringing a toy into your sexual encounter, the statistics show that this is changing.  The studies found that 53% of women in the U.S. and 45 % of men ages 18-60 use vibrators in their sexual interaction.   Vibrator use is linked to positive sexual functioning - including experiencing desire and  more easily reaching  orgasm. 

If you know more about your body, and what feels good to you, you will be more likely to want to have sex more often. 

If you’d like more ideas about how to jumpstart your low libido, take a look at my

eBook - No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.  You can start today to spice things up!

If you are a woman in your twenties struggling with a sexual concern such as low sexual desire, lack of arousal and/or orgasm, painful intercourse, or vaginismus, you may think you are the only one going through it.    This is very far from the truth, I have found in my Dallas Sex Therapy practice. 

Young women today can  feel pressured to live up to what I call “the myth of swinging from the chandelier.”  Because our society has become so sexualized - with sex being used to sell everything, teens being exposed to internet porn, and even 9 year old girls wanting to wear Britney Spears inspired outfits to school (because everyone else is) - the message comes through loud and clear that if you aren’t haveing a totally fabulous sex life as a newlywed, or don’t want sex with your partner all the time, that something is wrong with you. 

So young women feel even more embarrassed about seeking help for their low libidos, or inhibition about being sexual because of their age.  This can keep them isolated and feed the feeling of shame that can make the problem even worse.  If you think that something is terribly wrong with you sexually, you will find it difficult to explore with your partner to learn what you like, and discover who you are as a sexual person. 

This is why I’m starting a new Young Women’s Sexuality Group - so that women between 21 and29 can have a unique place to get information about female sexuality and communicating with your partner about sex, as well as have the experience of  talking openly with peers who are also struggling.  I think it will be a very valuable experience for you in discovering your sexual self, which you can then share with your partner.

The schedule  of  Young Women’s Groups will be announced soon.  Please contact me at:  lauren@boostyourlowlibido.com for more information.

For many couples, being too busy is part of the cause of their low libidos.  Not surprisingly, sometimes couples are also too busy to come in for counseling to help them boost their low libidos.   While being too busy can be an excuse for avoiding sex or therapy, it is also just plain difficult for some high-powered couples to get to my office at the same time on a regular basis. 

Here are some options that can minimize or replace the time in  my office.

***Buy my eBook - No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.  You can start with the self-help approach by reading and doing the exercises, and talking about it with your spouse.  Some couples may not need to come in at all, but for those that do, they will be ahead by having done some work on their own.

***Join one of my Women’s Support Groups.  There are day and evening groups available - later than my latest couples appointments, and they meet only twice per month, so the time commitment is minimal.  The groups are an excellent way to practice talking about sex, to learn about specific aspects of sexuality, and the homework will be designed to push you ever so gently out of your comfort zone (and out of your sexual avoidance or boredom).  Don’t worry, I said gently.  If you aren’t sure about whether group is for you, check out the comments from women who have done a group with me, on the Testimonials page, or call me with your questions.

***Consider booking a longer session less frequently than once per week.  Some prefer to work this way even when they could get to my office, but it definitely offers flexibility.  I can send you home with more homework than I would ordinarily, and you can work through it at your own pace, and schedule again whenever you are ready.  One caveat, some couples need the consistency and accountability of  regular sessions in order to make steady progress.  I would help you determine if this would be a good approach for you. 

***Phone sessions are a good way to keep your progress momentum going even when one of you is out of town, or can’t take the time to leave the office at lunchtime and drive across town.    While some information is lost because I can’t see you, this can work well for some people.  (I am looking into a web cam, which would remove that barrier to feeling connected while working together).   Phone work is also an option for out-of towners,  who may never be able to come to my Dallas office.  I have worked successfully with people from other states using only phone sessions. 

***Women’s Workshops are also ideal for those who prefer a Saturday morning event.  The Discovering Your Sexual Self workshop can also be an excellent jumpstart for you.  Workshops are held in a class-like setting where you can be anonymous, and speak only if you wish to add something to the discussion.  The workshops tend to help women feel less alone with sexual concerns, and to feel more hopeful about being able to overcome them.  For a list of comments from women who have attended the workshops, see the Testimonials page.  The next workshop is Saturday September 19th, from 9am to noon.

***e Therapy, while not appropriate for all, may be an option if you travel extensively, or live out of town.  The work would be done via email.  One positive about working this way is that you have all I have said to you in writing, so that you can easily refer back to it over time.  I would want to make sure that it is a good choice for you based on a careful assessment of your needs.  This would also apply to phone sessions.

So there you have it - a panoply of options for you busy couples.

I will be giving a talk called  STAYING CONNECTED:  INTIMACY 101 FOR BUSY COUPLES

on Tuesday evening, July 21st at 6 pm at the office of Dr. Katrina Bradford at the Family

Health Center at Richardson.    This is a free, one hour event, but you must register to

attend by sending me an email at lauren@BoostYourLowLibido.com. 

Today’s couples are so busy with kids, careers, maintaining a home, caring for aging parents,

staying fit, and church or community involvement that they often inadvertently put their

relationship on the back burner.  Multi-tasking may increase your productivity, but it doesn’t

help you stay close to your partner.  This talk will address the meaning of intimacy, common

barriers to intimacy and connectedness, as well as offer strategies to overcome this very

common problem.

Let me know if you’d like to attend.  I hope to see you there!

Most of the couples that I see in my Dallas sex therapy practice would describe their relationship as strong and fulfilling in most departments.  They tell me that they love each other and are deeply committed to each other.  There’s just this one problem - she has no interest in sex.

One thing that can cause a woman’s libido to tank is what I call “the little hurts.”  A little hurt might be different for every person, but consider this example from a fictional couple, Sam and Amy.  One night Amy decided to put on some of the lingerie that Sam had given her, which had been in her drawer unworn for months.  She felt a bit awkward and timid about “being so bold,” but she put it on, and called Sam into the bedroom. 

“I will never forget the expression on his face!” Amy said to me in tears.  Evidently, Sam had been so surprised, that he felt awkward and unsure of what to say to respond to her.   She had never done this before, and he was at a complete loss about what to do.  His expression of nervousness and surprise had been interpreted by Amy to mean that he didn’t think she looked sexy in the lingerie. 

Despite the fact that this fictional couple worked it out, and continued with their lives, this little hurt remains in the back of Amy’s mind.  It makes her feel vulnerable about daring to be bold sexually again.    This is the kind of little hurt (in comparison to being cheated on, or verbally abused) that can sap a woman’s libido.  Or a man’s libido.  I help couples become aware of any little hurts that may be killing your libido, so you can work through them and put them truly in the past where they belong. 

If you’d like to read more about how buried resentments can hurt your libido, and what to do about it,

see my eBook - No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.

Many times, a low libido - for either spouse - can begin when the couple

has a few encounters that didn’t go well.  Maybe he was tired and stressed

and had trouble keeping his erection.  Maybe you couldn’t keep your head

“in the game” as your mind wandered off to other things - like the undone

laundry, so you didn’t get aroused, or even close to being satisfied.

After a few times where this happens, a couple’s sexual self-confidence

can hit the skids.  Or maybe you never really got into the groove with

each other as sexual partners, and always felt unsure of what to do to

please him, or felt intimidated because he had a lot of sexual partners

before you came along. 

Over time, this can create a sense of awkwardness and embarrassment

about being sexual.  Since most people prefer to put their time and

energy into doing things that they feel they are good at, its no wonder

that some couples who go through this lose their libidos and start to

avoid sex. 

Once you fall into no-sex land, it can feel more and more awkward,

embarrassing and difficult to get out of it.  Some couples

go on this way for years, and if other parts of their relationship are

fulfilling, can think everything is ok.   But their non-existent sex life

is the elephant in the living room,  at some point, one will become

unhappy about trying to see the TV around the elephant.    At some

point, the spouse with the higher desire level - even if only a little bit

higher, will start to feel rejected, or that something important is

missing. 

This can actually be the saving grace for a marriage - since few

can last without sex forever.  So while you may be horrified if your

spouse suggests that you come with him to sex therapy, it can

be your ticket out of no-sex land, into something wonderful for

both of you. 

I help facilitate productive conversations about where things

declined, and help you find solutions to the original, or current

problems that interfere with being comfortable being sexual. 

When the awkwardness is gone, its amazing how the libido

can reappear.

If you’d like more ideas about recreating a spark, you might like

my eBook - No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.

Sexual Confidence is: 

***Knowing that you are a good sexual partner

***Thinking that you are sexy (regardless of your age or weight)

***Being willing to flirt, or touch first

***Freedom from inhibition - you can be yourself in bed

***You are in touch with your desires - you know what you like

***Being able to say “I want you” and knowing he wants you too

***Daring to try something new - a position,  sex in the kitchen, being blindfolded

***Understanding that a good sexual rapport can take time to develop

***Being unafraid to say no to anything that you don’t want

***Not taking your partner’s lack of desire or orgasm as your failure

***Staying calm if your partner loses his erection (you know it happens sometimes)

***Being open to hearing feedback about your technique in order to better please him

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.  They’re in each other all along.”  Rumi

If you’d like to read more about barriers to sexual confidence and how to remove them,

check out my eBook - No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.

If you’re like most couples that I see in my office, you haven’t had a night out together with just the two of you in months.  I know it can be a challenge to fit a regular date night into your schedule that is already bursting at the seams, but date night can help boost a low libido. 

Think about how much time, energy and effort you spent anticipating your next moments together when you were dating.  You thought about what you would wear, and may have shopped for something new and special to put on for the occasion.  You thought about your hair and makeup.  You probably had a manicure, and I would bet that you took pains when getting ready to look your absolute best. 

Why is this important?  All of these are ways of looking forward to and positively anticipating your time together.  It creates excitement, and emphasizes that time together is important.  Anticipating having fun, talking together (about more than just the kids and household responsibilities), flirting, little touches that add spark - all can make date night a libido-increasing activity - even when you’ve been married for 20 years!

Couples today are burdened by too much stress and non-stop activities.  Over time, your relationship can end up like a starving man - wasting away from the lack of nourishment.  Try to move out of being too settled in!  Dress up for each other, tell each other you look nice, invest some time and energy in your relationship.  And most of all, anticipate your special time alone together.

If you’d like to read about other ways to keep a spark alive in your relationship, consider reading

Lauren’s eBook - No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.

When most people think about sex, they define it as intercourse.    Redefining sex can be one way to boost your low libido.  Outercourse is a newer term which is  used to describe oral or manual (using fingers),  or other stimulation on the outside of the body.  It might include rubbing  genitals against each other, or even using a foot, an elbow or a breast to touch the other.  In other words, the main difference from intercourse is that there is no penetration.     Our society has tended to see outercourse more as foreplay, and has in doing such relegated these ways of being sexual as a bit lower status than intercourse.  We really value intercourse in the U.S.

While you may always see intercourse as the most-desired, or most complete way of engaging in sex, changing your perspective on outercourse can help you in several ways.

1. Often foreplay is rushed, as people have little time these days to devote to their sexual relationship.  They may have their “eye on the prize” of intercourse and orgasm, and not fully enjoy the pleasures of foreplay.  I believe that couples should spend much more time kissing and caressing the whole body, in order to connect more fully, as well as allowing their arousal to build.  After a relationship is past the first phase of infatuation, there is much less anticipation and excitement about making love than in the beginning.  If you take time with true foreplay, you can create that excitement.  Think of it as sipping a nice glass of wine.

2. If you have a low libido, and every time you are sexual with your husband you know it must include foreplay, plus oral, plus intercourse, you may feel more likely to say no than if you know you have the option to choose just oral, or just manual sex.  If you see outercourse as a valid and fulfilling way of being sexual in its own right, you will feel more satisfied than if you see  intercourse as the only way to be satisfied. 

3. As we age, intercourse can become problematic for some.  Menopause can create problems with thinning vaginal walls, which can mean that there is pain or discomfort with intercourse.  Men can have less reliable erections overall as they age.  If you have survived prostate cancer, you may be unable to have an erection at all without viagara, or even penile implants.  If you have already established a variety of ways that you can enjoy being sexual together, these challenges will be much easier to navigate.  These difficulties don’t happen for everyone, and I certainly hope they don’t happen to you, as we are learning that senior citizens stay active sexually as long as they can if they have a partner. 

So consider broadening your perspective with outercourse.  There are many ways to creatively engage in being sexual - a virtual smorgasboard of delights that you can choose from.  Enjoy!

If you’d like more of Lauren’s perspectives on sex, see her eBook - No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.

I hear a lot about Facebook these days, and though I don’t have the time  to join in, the idea of a Facebook wall inspired this post.

I talk with women daily about the ways they learned about sex.  In most cases, they really only learned about reproduction, and were left to figure out how to be sexual on their own.  When they did get direct “information” from parents, or schools, or churches, or peers, often they were negative.  Sexual shame - the belief that sex is dirty, nasty, or bad is the result of either negative communication or the lack of communication and information about sex at all. 

Some examples are: 

“All men want is sex, and they will do anything to get it.”

“Women don’t enjoy sex, but they just have to take one for the team to keep a man.”

Having your genitals named “your awful”  or “your ugly”

Being punished for touching your genitals as a child, and being told you are a bad girl.

“Don’t act like a slut.”

So I am inviting you to write me about your recollections.  I won’t post anything you say unless you give me permission, and then only anonymously.  What things do you recall being said that really stuck in your mind in a negative way?  What was said that if it hadn’t been, could have saved you from making mistakes or being free to enjoy sexual pleasure with your partner now? 

If you choose to share in the Wall of Shame, I think it will be therapeutic for you.  If you don’t want to share, think about it on your own.   What did you learn about sex?  What do you want to throw out, and what do you choose to keep  in your life?  Becoming aware of what was communicated to you about being a sexual person can help you remove any lingering negativity in the back of your mind about sex.  Those negative beliefs can be a major cause of low libido.

If you’d like to do some exercises on your own to conquer your sexual shame, consider reading

my eBook — No Room For Sex:  How To Boost Your Low Libido.