Boost Your Low Libido

Think sex always has to be out of this world?  Every encounter chock full of toe-curling orgasms?  Then you are not alone – as this is one of the many burdensome expectations that our culture teaches us about sex.  I mean, really!  The pressure!  As if couples today aren’t dealing with enough pressures in their life – we have to live up to this unrealistic idea too?

Barry McCarthy, a sex therapist in Washington, DC, has written about the concept of “Good Enough Sex” – which means, just that.  If you take all the shoulds away, and just focus on giving and receiving pleasure for the wonderful closeness it can bring, it opens up many sexual windows.  Even having an orgasm does not have to be the be-all and end-all of every sexual activity.  A couple can have a good time in bed even if neither of them has an orgasm – if they have the right attitude about it.  Think pleasure, not achievement.

For example, if a lower-desire partner is approached for sex by her spouse, the good enough sex plan might mean that she says “honey, I’m so tired, but I’d like to feel close to you.  Could we  cuddle for awhile til I feel a bit more rested, then just have oral sex tonight”?  She would feel the option to pursue less than the ideal of sex – foreplay, oral sex, intercourse, afterplay – was a perfectly good option.  Perhaps it would be less than in terms of time, or less than in terms of energy, but if a couple understands that good enough sex is still great for their relationship, and can be quite satisfying as well, the possibilities multiply.

WHEN THERE’S NO SEX IN YOUR CITY:  A Workshop for Women on Sex, Intimacy & Desire has been moved from January 24th to Saturday, February 20th from 9 am- 12 noon.

When I ask women how they learned about sex, most will say that they got “the talk” from Mom, or “the movie” at school.  They then recall how uncomfortable these events were for both themselves, or the adults educating them.  If they were lucky enough to get “the talk” – that may have been the only time they discussed sex with Mom.   Sadly, many will say that Mom never talked with them about sex.    This is true even for my youngest clients, who are in their early twenties, so the generations haven’t changed much.

Whether you had  total silence about sex and sexuality, or a few choice words, most women I see for low libido say there was silence in their families about sex.  When you think about the range of topics that healthy families discuss, you realize that the parental reticence to talk about sex and sexuality is a deafening silence.  Think about it, families talk about grooming, hygiene, body odor, germs, dirt, manners, urination, defecation, passing gas, chores, school, religion, politics, values, work, play, illness, money, expectations, feelings, morals.  Silence about sex communicates volumes – namely that sex is embarrassing, nasty, and shameful.  Many women don’t realize that they carry this sense of shame about being a sexual person into adulthood until it wreaks havoc on their desire level.  How can you want something that you really believe is nasty?

I would argue that the education they did get was mostly about reproduction, not sex.  Sex and sexuality are very complex things, and in our society we do not offer much, if any, guidance about what being a sexual person is all about.  Because women get so many of the “be a good girl” messages, they may turn off any sexual feelings, and find that they can’t turn them back on when they are married and thus, supposed to be sexual.

The shame of silence is also what makes it an act of courage to address your low libido by taking a workshop, reading about it, coming in for sex therapy, or joining a women’s group.  But breaking the silence is the key to overcoming sexual shame – so give yourself credit for even being on this site.

Could it be that your low libido is at least partially caused by your husband’s rapid ejaculation when you DO have sex? 

I have found that some women with a very low libido  realize that their difficulty started, or was exacerbated by their frustration with how long intercourse lasts.  The average length of time that a man “lasts” during intercourse is 5-8 minutes, so if your husband ejaculates  much sooner than that, this may be causing, or contributing to your lack of interest in sex.  This can be especially true if you get more satisfaction, orgasms or not, from intercourse than other sexual activities, such as oral or manual sex. 

Many people are surprised to learn that most men last only 5-8 minutes.  Our society definitely inundates men with messages about being manly, virile, and a “stud” – and this can put a lot of pressure on men to “perform” sexually.  Anxiety is not helpful to men or women in the bedroom – it can decrease your ability to be present in the moment, to fully feel the sensations, or it can make a man ejaculate too early.  Porn can definitely give people  unrealistic ideas about the length of intercourse – as well as the length of a man’s penis.  What people don’t know is that porn can be airbrushed, edited, and camera-angled to make the average man feel inadequate in comparison. 

If you think rapid ejaculation is influencing your libido ina negative way, make sure to do more of the outercourse before intercourse – let him fully please you with oral & manual sex before moving on to intercourse.  Talk gently to him about wishing that that wonderful part of your lovemaking would last longer.  Let him know that it works against your libido, and suggest that you both go to sex therapy together.  I see many couples where his problem aisaffected by her problem, and vice versa. 

Consider it “our” problem, don’t get into blaming, and be proactive about getting the guidance you need to turn things around.

Fibanserin is the first non-hormonal drug to be tested to improve libido in women.  It was originally tested as an anti-depressant, but wasn’t found to be effective.  Then they found that it seemed to increase desire in women.  It works on serotonin and dopamine in the brain, and is said to decrease inhibition.  Sound great?

It could be, if it really works, and if its safe.  I fear that the millions of dollars the drug manufacturer is spending now – before the drug has even started FDA approval process, could overshadow realistic concern & dialog about how the drug works, the subjectivity of the criteria used to determine if it works, side effects, long-term safety, and other risks from taking a drug daily.

One article I read said that researchers don’t know why women lose desire.  Well, sex therapists do!  We also know that sexuality is a very complex phenomenon-that involves relational, psychological, physical, cultural, religious, and other individual factors.  For most of my clients with low desire, they have 3-5 separate causes.  It is hard for me to believe that any pill is strong enough to drown out all of this to make a woman want sex.  If it can, could it also cause women to  lose inhibitions in other areas of their lives?  That is a scary thought.  This is one of the  effects of working on dopamine – some Parkinson’s disease patients experienced hypersexuality and loss of inhibition to an extreme.  These are some of the questions that ob/gyn physicians and sex therapists are asking.

We do know that side effects noted so far are fatigue, nausea, sleepiness, & insomnia. It takes 3-6 weeks to work.  If it turns out to be the miracle pill they hope for, some women will feel it is well worth that.  I just hope we can get the full picture, rather than a paid-for advertisement.    I’ll write more on this topic soon.  In the meantime, don’t just take my word for it – seek information, ask questions – even the hard ones.

While you might think that having intercourse for a long time would not be a problem, since it allows more time for the woman to climax, this is actually an issue that can cause (or worsen) a woman’s low libido.  Delayed ejaculation is when a man either takes too long to ejaculate, or doesn’t at all.  Most men ejaculate within 5-8 minutes of intercourse, while those with this problem can take 30-75 minutes.  I’m not talking about time spent on foreplay, this is only intercourse.

Women whose partners go this long complain of soreness in their vaginas, of feeling they must be  a “bad lover”, and often say they feel frustrated and a sense of failure after sex.  They say it is awkward because sex doesn’t have a natural ending – with climax – and instead involves deciding when to stop trying.

Men with this issue may not see it as a problem since they are taught by our culture to try to be “studs” and think that means 45 minutes of thrusting with intercourse.   Their partners are often very reluctant to bring this up, because they don’t want to hurt their feelings.  The good news is that this can be worked upon with a good sex therapist if it is acknowledged. 

So there you have another little-known cause of low libido in women.

In taking a quick review of my clients over the past 9 months, I determined that 40% of my female clients are young women.  I defined “young” as under 35 years old.  I knew that the percentage of young women struggling with low libido, and other sexual concerns like problems with arousal, orgasm, or painful intercourse, would be higher than ever before, but I was surprised that it was THIS high.

Why is this?  I think it is due to the fact that a LOT of young women  do have concerns about their sex lives – or the lack thereof.  They are reminded of this every time they have lunch with friends who are discussing the fabulous orgasms they have, or feeling desperate to have sex because it has been a year since their last encounter.  These “sex in the city” girls can make young women with low libidos feel like there is something terribly wrong with them.  They tell me they sit quietly, listening to these detailed sex tales, laughing nervously, and feeling horribly ashamed.

Thankfully, the word of mouth about the work that I do with women of all ages to help them reclaim their lost libidos, or resolve other sexual concerns seems to be growing.  So despite the shame and embarrassment these young women feel because they “shouldn’t be having this problem”, they seem to be getting their nerve up and calling for appointments.  They are coming to my seminars and joining my groups.  I applaud their courage, because this takes enormous strength, but there is hope in doing it.

You need to know that you are not alone – there are many young women like you, who just need information, support, encouragement, and the expertise that I use  as a sex therapist to help you  move out of the stuck place you are in now. 

For more information, email me at lauren@BoostYourLowLibido.com.  Or consider downloading my book now from my home page, so you can begin to work on this on your own today.

I am seeing more men in my Dallas Sex Therapy practice who report having a low libido.  If you find yourself saying no to your wife more than you say yes, here is a list of some of the possible  PHYSICAL causes that you should check out  with your physician.

1. LOW HORMONE LEVELS

Testosterone is the hormone that creates desire.  Ask your doctor to check your levels.

2. MEDICAL CONDITIONS

Some diseases and disorders can affect your interest and your ability to perform sexually.  If you have a new diagnosis, don’t be shy – ask your doctor some direct questions about how it can affect your sex life, and what can be done about it.

3. MEDICATIONS

Many, many medications can cause a low libido.  For a full list, see The New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld.  Just to name a few:  heart and blood pressure meds, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, anti-seizure as well as chemotherapy. 

4. ALCOHOL & STREET DRUGS

While alcohol and some street drugs can initially increase desire, over time drugs such as barbiturates, marijuana, opiates and alcohol can decrease or even eliminate your desire.   Even tobacco has been linked with erection problems.  What you don’t know CAN hurt you!

So before you consider calling me for a consultation about your low desire, take a list of questions with you to see your physician to rule out any of these factors.

ORGASMS A MYSTERY TO YOU?

Why not consider this class to help you learn all about  the female orgasm? I will cover anatomy,  arousal, as well as the many factors that can get in your way of reaching a climax.   This will be a small class, limited to eight women.  It will be held in the privacy of my office.  I will do some lecture, and invite discussion.  For the very shy, it will be possible to ask questions in written form.  I will have you do some writing exercises to start you on the road to a thoroughly fulfilling sex life.

If you aren’t having orgasms, you are missing out on one of life’s pleasures – and one that greatly bonds a couple in their intimacy.  If you aren’t sure you are having orgasms, information will be covered to help you clarify this  as well.   

You may think you could never dare set foot in my door for this class.  You are not alone – and I think it will be very affirming for you to see that other women also need specific information to help them in this area.  Truly, no one ever gets sexuality education – at most we get reproductive education.  They are definitely NOT the same thing.  So take a deep breath, and email me to register for this class.  I’ll make it safe and comfortable for you, and have you all laughing before you know it. 

ORGASM 101:  Tuesday, November 3rd 6:15 – 7:30 pm.  Feel free to call me with your questions at 214-692-6100.